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PAGING DEAN WORMER …

Remember the Ohio State University marching band? Its members wowed the country last year with their amazing on-field performances.

This year they’re in the news for their off-field exploits …

Specifically, the OSU band is being investigated for fostering a “hostile” culture – including secrecy oaths, “objectionable traditions” and sexual harassment. The probe stems from complaints made by a female band member’s parents – prompting someone at OSU (of distant relation to Dean Wormer, were guessing) to issue a detailed report outlining the abuse.

And yes, the report is absolutely hilarious …

“Witnesses described an event called ‘Midnight Ramp,’ which they explained was a longstanding tradition involving Marching Band members wearing only their underwear marching into the football stadium through the ramp,” the report alleges. “Multiple witnesses provided similar descriptions of students stripping down to their underwear and entering the stadium through the ramp. Two witnesses indicated that a few Band members get completely naked. According to one female witness, more senior members of the Band warn new members to wear comfortable (fuller coverage) underwear before Midnight Ramp. She also stated that female members have gone shopping together at Victoria’s Secret to buy underwear for the event.”

Up next are the band’s sexually explicit nicknames, which according to the report include “Ballsacagawea, Bater, Boob Job, Donk, ERV (“E” Row Vibrator), Fleshlight, G?na, Jewoobs (given to a Jewish student with large breasts), Jizzy, Mushroom Stamp, Squirt, Sugar Bush, Swoob, Taint Brush, Testicles, Tiggles, Tits Mcgee, Triple Crown, Tulsa, Twat Thumper and Twinkle Dick.”

The report encourages readers to consult UrbanDictionary.com if they do not understand these “slang terms.”

Ready for more?

The OSU report alleges that “Rookie Introductions” were conducted on new members of the band, and that “these sometimes included sexually explicit questioning and dirty jokes.”

“A witness stated that one such episode entailed using a dildo as a microphone,” the report alleges.

The horror, right?

Band members also reportedly play a game called “Marry, F*ck, Kill” – although even our tragically unhip founding editor can tell you the game is really called “F*ck, Marry, Kill.”

How does he know that?  He’s played the Downton Abbey edition.

Other alleged misconduct includes “dirty limericks” (Nantucket, anyone?) and students performing a maneuver known as the “flying 69.”

“This involved two students posing in the ’69’ position while holding themselves in the air from the luggage racks or allowing other students to hold them in the air,” the report alleges. “Pam Bork, a physical therapist from Student Health Services who volunteered with the Band for 18 years, stated that she witnessed the “flying 69” performed on (the) bus during the September 14, 2013 Cal game trip.”

Sheesh …

As far as we can tell, nothing in the OSU band report rises about the level of kids having fun.  In fact, in a perfect world the school would launch an immediate investigation seeking to determine the last time anyone associated with this witch hunt of the band actually got laid themselves.

Because our guess is it’s been awhile …

Here’s a news flash: College kids have sex.  And joke about sex.  And act in wildly inappropriate, sexually overt ways.  As long as any physical contact related to such sexual humor/ experimentation is consensual … what’s the big deal?

Oh well … no word on when the band’s “double secret probation” will be announced, but we’ll be sure to keep you updated.