Help! My Daddy Is A Moron
I’m Phillippe. That’s with two L’s, two P’s and an ‘E.’ Well, three P’s if you count my first P. Hahahahaha. “My first P.” Get it? I crack myself up.
I know my daddy has regaled you in the past with his exceedingly limited “Mister Mom” experiences, but today I’ve decided to dictate the narrative. After all my daddy didn’t do anything right today – so trusting him to relate things correctly is like trusting Clemson’s coaching staff to make the proper halftime adjustments against South Carolina. Or trusting Jennifer Aniston’s romantic instincts.
Take your pick …
As many of you know I have a brand new baby sister. Her name is Eva and she was born on Saturday. Why was she born? I don’t know. My daddy says “all babies want to get borned,” but I think that’s from a movie and aside from its grammatical ridiculousness I don’t believe it is accurate.
I know for certain I didn’t want to get “borned.” I liked it up in the womb.
But I digress …
On a typical day my daddy handles the first shift of parenting – which begins shortly after 5:30 a.m. each morning with an impassioned plea (from me) to have my poopy diaper changed. The longer this plea goes unanswered, the louder I get. I’m not really upset, of course, I’m totally screwing with daddy. That’s why the second he flips the light switch in my room, my mood immediately flips from red-faced furious to squealing with delight.
It’s always fun when daddy stumbles into my room – groggy and grumbling – because that’s when we play the “opposite game.” I tell daddy “no poop” if I have a stinker and “poop” if I don’t.
Daddy still hasn’t figured the game out.
After changing my diaper, daddy takes me, Gee and Jo Jo (a.k.a. my big brother and big sister) to the kitchen where we get some combination of fruit, cereal, Pop Tarts and milk. Some mornings we get Krispy Kreme doughnuts, which I especially enjoy because after you eat them you get to style your hair for the ladies. Some mornings daddy takes all of us to Lizard’s Thicket (where I highly recommend the prepackaged butter).
When we get back from taking Gee to school that’s when mommy takes over. Which is a good thing. Look … my daddy is a good guy. But like Clint Eastwood said “a man’s got to know his limitations” and daddy’s limitation is the first shift.
Today mommy was busy with baby Eva though so daddy had to stay on the job … and unfortunately I couldn’t fire him for incompetence.
I kept telling daddy it was time to take Jo Jo to school or we’d get stuck in morning traffic but he didn’t listen. I even hit him in the back of the head with one of my Thomas the Tank Engine trains as a reminder but that just made him mad. Once we got into the traffic I warned him about daddy got even madder. I tried to help him by clearly and distinctly yelling “Cars!” every time I saw a car but he made it clear my help was not needed.
So Jo Jo was late.
After we dropped Jo Jo off at school (late, did I mention?), daddy took me to the nursery at church where we played a game called I bounce off the walls and he tries to keep me from going to the emergency room. The best part of this game? Every time daddy catches me I try to punch him in the balls as hard as I can. And every time daddy picks me up I try to kick him in the balls as hard as I can. Whenever I win I yell out “nuts!”
And I yell out “nuts!” a lot.
I also played “Hokie Pokie” Tickle-Me-Elmo for daddy a lot … cause Elmo’s got the moves like Jagger.
Until I couldn’t find Elmo anymore …
After this game it was time for lunch. Daddy ignored my repeated pleas for Miyo’s Thai cuisine and took me to Wendy’s instead. Son of a biscuit! No secret what was on my menu: Chicken nuggets, apple wedges and a dag-blasted juice box. Seriously, what’s a kid gotta do to get some Nagasaki rolls up in this joint?
After lunch my Pop Pop stopped by to say hey to us. He gave me a cherry Dum Dum sucker and gave daddy some coffee. Daddy drank his coffee but I never saw my cherry Dum Dum sucker again and have a sneaking suspicion daddy ate it.
The only way to drink Coca-Cola is with a cherry Dum Dum on your tongue
— Will Folks aka Sic (@fitsnews) December 10, 2013
Poor daddy got what was coming to him, though. During lunch mommy called him and told him to get bananas, milk and the new Despicable Me movie from Walmart before picking up Jo Jo from school. We had at least an hour to play with, but daddy couldn’t find the Walmart to save his life and when he finally did find it he had no clue where anything we needed was. It was like watching Liberace trying to navigate a Bass Pro Shop.
I repeatedly shouted “nanas” at the top of my lungs – pointing in the vicinity of the produce section – but it still took daddy forever to figure it out . And of course after the senior citizens had run laps around us at the self-checkout, daddy (who doesn’t know how to use the self-checkout) randomly screamed “I left my wallet in the car!” causing even more confusion and delay.
Finally on the way out of the parking lot daddy almost wrecked and caused a bottleneck that left even a guy wearing a Clemson hat shaking his head (and it’s been my experience those guys generally aren’t the brightest bulbs).
Yeah, it’s a miracle I made it home to see my new sister …