Within the last few days our founding editor Will Folks (a.k.a. Sic Willie) has given more than a dozen mainstream media interviews related to South Carolina’s upcoming “First in the South” presidential primary.
And with a few exceptions, it sounds like each of these reporters are writing the exact same story …
In an effort to save time, then, we’re posting this “approximate composite” of Sic Willie’s numerous recent MSM interviews. Feel free to copy and paste, national reporters …
Mainstream Media: Do you think Mitt Romney can win in South Carolina?
Sic Willie: Sadly, yes. He’s actually winning right now according to the latest polls.
MSM: Whew! That’s what we’re hoping happens!
Sic: No sh*t.
MSM: You don’t think it matters that Mitt Romney is a Mormon?
Sic: Sure it matters, but probably not enough to sink his candidacy.
MSM: But aren’t you backwoods hillbillies under the mistaken impression that Mormonism is a cult?
Sic: Well yes, but … I think most voters are looking past that issue and are more focused on the economy.
MSM: Is that because Mitt Romney is just the awesomest?
Sic: No, I just said it was the economy … also most South Carolina voters have decided they dislike Romney for other reasons.
MSM: Well we won’t go into those reasons. Now … why is South Carolina so susceptible to dirty tricks?
Sic: Well, to be perfectly honest a disproportionately-high percentage of our citizens breathe disproportionately from their mouths. Seriously … just look at our test scores – or the state lawmakers we elect. We’re not that bright.
MSM: Do you think it’s likely that we will see any dirty tricks between now and primary day on January 21?
Sic: You mean like a disreputable blogger coming forward and claiming to have had an affair with a candidate?
Sic: Yes, I think we will see some dirty tricks.
MSM: What form do you think these shenanigans will take? Also, do you think that your state’s popular, conservative and principled Tea Party hero Gov. Nikki Haley – who is clearly a rising star in the Republican Party – will be attacked for her courageous endorsement of Mitt Romney?
Sic: Umm … I … have you seen Nikki’s poll numbers?
MSM: You’re right … you really aren’t that bright. If you’re going to be that way, just answer the first part of the question, then.
Sic: Well, I think we will see several campaigns attempt some sort of a whisper campaign – like an anonymous YouTube video attempting to make an issue of Romney’s Mormon faith or maybe a fake Twitter account written by Newt Gingrich’s fourth wife.
MSM: But Newt Gingrich doesn’t have a fourth wife.
Sic: Not yet …
MSM: (Laughing) Oh we get it now. You amuse us. You’re funny … funny like a clown.
Sic: Call me Henry Hill.
Sic: Never mind …
MSM: So … what’s the dirtiest trick ever played in South Carolina politics?
Sic: Not involving my penis, you mean?
MSM: Preferably not.
Sic: I’d have to go with the illegal alien that the late, great Rod Shealy planted in the home of a rival candidate back in 2008. That was a State Senate race, but I’ve never seen anything else approach that level of audaciousness. Not even my penis.
MSM: Wow. Really?
Sic: Real deal Holyfield.
MSM: So who are you supporting on January 21?
MSM: What? Oh dear God … you’re one of those nut jobs. (Yelling to someone in the background) He’s for Ron Paul! Goddamnit, how did this inbred get on my call sheet?
Sic: Um … is somebody about to get fired?
MSM: Yes. Anything else you’d like to add in the next 1.5 seconds?
Sic: Well, I’ve got all sorts of theories on … (clicking sound as MSM hangs up) … um … Hello? Hello?