Will Folks: On Nikki Haley’s Memoir
By Will Folks || As one of the political consultants who turned S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley into a credible statewide candidate in South Carolina not too long ago – and as the new media guru who led the charge against her three establishment rivals for most of 2009 and 2010 – I’m not going to pretend that I won’t read her forthcoming memoir.
I’ll absolutely read it.
After all, I helped “build” Nikki Haley, and there are some components of her rise to stardom that I feel rightfully proud of – even if it’s pretty obvious at this point I was just wasting my time on yet another hypocritical politician.
Also, since Nikki says she will be directly addressing the “allegations” of infidelity that have been leveled against her – I suppose I have some unique insight as to what this volume needs to include in order to do that.
First, I hope Nikki’s book will contain copies of all the taxpayer-funded emails that she has thus far refused to release to the media – as well as any of her personal emails related to her relationship with me. I also hope she will publicly release the contents of her legislative hard drives. We paid for those, after all.
More specifically, I very much look forward to Nikki countering the accounts of multiple witnesses who saw us together in bars late at night (including the night we first hooked up) – or saw her car parked outside of my downtown Columbia apartment at all hours of the night during the specific time period that I alleged we were together (including one witness who passed by the apartment almost every night on his way home from work).
I also look forward to her explaining the pressure that her campaign exerted in an effort to silence one of these witnesses.
I look forward to Nikki explaining all of those lengthy, late night phone calls that we shared together – records of which were released mere days after she claimed to have “hardly known” me.
And since I “hardly knew” her, I obviously look forward to her explaining how I can describe in painstakingly lurid detail every single one of her nooks and crannies – right down to the thin black hairs on her lower back (the only part of her otherwise flawless body that I never found particularly attractive).
I look forward to her explaining our frequent trips to the Papa Jazz music store to buy CDs, to the Back Porch on Gervais to drink with friends who were “in the know,” or to Bar None in Five Points to play shuffleboard.
I look forward to her discussing her oft-stated willingness to leave her husband for me – and the audition I had with her children at the Mellow Mushroom pizza parlor in downtown Columbia (I didn’t talk to Rena that much but had a lot of fun coloring with Nalin).
I look forward to her publishing a list of the people she told about our affair – including those she has given six-figure jobs in state government.
I look forward to her explaining the “tell me if it gets serious and I’ll back off” communication that she sent me when I began dating the amazing woman who is now my wife. Perhaps she’ll also be honest about her repeated attempts to smear this amazing woman (and sabotage our relationship) by releasing hurtful information about her to me – even after I informed her that the relationship was indeed serious and that I could no longer be involved with her romantically.
Speaking of my wife, I look forward to Nikki telling me what was in the text message that she sent me in early 2009 – a message that my wife intercepted and discerned to be so intimate that she responded “this is Katrina, keep it business only.”
And yes, I look forward to hearing her talk about how it felt to know that I chose someone else over her – a decision I have never regretted.
As for her other “alleged” affair, I look forward to Nikki explaining why there are multiple witnesses who recall her and lobbyist Larry Marchant grinding up against each other on the dance floor of the W Lounge in Salt Lake City well into the early morning hours on Father’s Day weekend in 2008 – which is when he says their “one night stand” took place. Perhaps she will also talk about the uniformed officer of the Salt Lake City police department who spoke with her and Marchant as they stumbled arm-in-arm toward the Marriott hotel at 2:25 a.m. that Sunday morning – just minutes before Marchant claims they slept together.
And since Marchant and I have both signed affidavits attesting to the veracity of our claims, I look forward to Nikki’s book including a signed affidavit attesting to her denial of those claims.
Furthermore, I look forward to her book including an offer to provide a sample of her DNA to my attorneys to determine whether or not physical evidence of our relationship exists. I also look forward to reading about any sexually-transmitted diseases Nikki may have contracted in recent years that she did not have earlier in her marriage – as well as her willingness to release any medical records that could shed some light on those diseases.
More importantly, I look forward to Haley explaining why she decided to launch a relentless (and ongoing) smear campaign against me after I spent months bashing her three primary opponents and weeks working with her campaign to keep this story from coming out.
Remember, I didn’t ask for any of this shit.
Perhaps in that vein she can explain those text messages from her campaign manager, the ones about keeping it “under wraps” and “just denying it.”
I also look forward to her coming clean about the other extramarital affairs she’s had.
Most of all, though, I look forward to reading why Haley has abandoned her support for individual income tax relief, universal parental choice and holding lawmakers accountable on spending issues. Additionally, I look forward to reading her explanation as to why “transparency in government” apparently applies to everyone but her.
Because as fun as this ongoing soap opera may be – th0se are ultimately the betrayals that matter.
Yes, there are a lot of things that Nikki should address in her memoir … but my guess is you won’t read about any of them. Instead, you’ll probably get a sanitized “up with people” tale of Sarah Palin-esque resilience and fortitude.
Ultimately, though, that’s why there will be a market for my book – and why Nikki is already seeking to brand it as “fiction” before she’s had a chance to “not read” it.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Will Folks is the founding editor of the website you are currently reading.