Jesus wants you to have all kinds of hot, freaky sex … as long as you’re married, anyway. And as long as the person you’re getting freaky with is your spouse.
That’s according to Jonathan Acuff, who writes the blog Stuff Christians Like.
From Acuff’s blog:
We’ve bought the lie that the world gets to have wild, crazy sex and Christians, holy folks like us, have to have black-and-white, two-dimensional sex. But what if that’s wrong? What if the God who overflows us with love and hope and mercy wants that part of our lives to be as big and as colorful as two married people could possibly imagine?
Bow chicka wow wow …
Acuff also says that Christians teach “guilt, not abstinence,” which reminded us of Annie Savoy’s famous monologue from the beginning of Bull Durham …
So … can holy rollers really get down and dirty with it? Or are they doomed to an eternity of “missionary with the lights off?”
Hmmm … let’s ask the Palmetto state’s resident holier-than-thou horn dog Bridget Keeney about that one, shall we?
By Ohmaar September 4, 2010 at 3:36 pm
The funny thing about this argument, is that if you haven’t actually experienced married, Christian sex (and I’m not talking about the “yeah I believe in God” or “I go to church” definition of Christian — I mean real deal, born-again, radical transformation, Spirit filled, tongue talking Christian) — then you have no idea.
So go ahead and scoff if you want. All I know is that if I ever found myself alone with Nikki Haley, my wife woudn’t have anything to worry about.
By Insect September 4, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Now, that Susan Sarandon is one beautiful piece of ass … wow.
She turns 64 next month and I can still remember her in her underwear-and-bra outfit in the cult film Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975, best seen stoned).
That body and face of hers have not changed one bit, and she refrains from botox, lotox, creamblin, styrofoam, gel packs, et cetera. She ages beautifully.
She split from that dude on the bed, Tim Robbins, last year.
She looks best without makeup.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
By Alphonse September 4, 2010 at 5:20 pm
God hates doggy style.
By Papi September 4, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Jesus likes us to bareback.
By Sicko September 4, 2010 at 10:49 pm
Ask Earl Capps. He seems to be getting all the hot stuff these days.
By eb September 4, 2010 at 11:01 pm
“Jesus wants you to have all kinds of hot, freaky sex … as long as you’re married…”
Does it count if we are married, but not to each other?
If it does count, can I take my shoes and hat off when we do it?
By I told my wife... September 5, 2010 at 12:42 pm
I told her I was gonna get down and dirty with in sick and freaky ways when we were married.
Golden showers, nipple clips, spankings, the whole enchilada. Jesus has made it alright because we are married and that’s that.
I love the fact she’s supposed to submit to me biblically-that makes it extra hot.
By Alvin Green Cousin September 5, 2010 at 5:14 pm
When press for a answer on Safe Sex by the mobs of Judua, Jesus said ” Go to South Carolina and join the Republican Party, and wait until the Devil returns”
But Master! Where is South Carolina and what is a Republican Party? And Jesus sayth, “It is a very small piece of shit in the red zone of the Universe and a Paradise HO house where the Republican Party is it’s pimp”* 2 nd John, Chapter 4, Verses 1 thur 4……Reverse Venus Cult Version
By Skidmarks September 6, 2010 at 7:50 am
Heels to Jesus, Nikki!
By Alvin Green Cousin September 7, 2010 at 12:15 am
TEA PARTY EXPRESS] Why Teabaggers love to be Teabaggers
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On this Labor Day 2010, as Americans take in the last breath of our traditional Summer Season and cinch up for Autumn, this holiday is as good as any day to bring to light research that’s been going on since our Tea Party “Momement” began. There’s hardly a Patriot alive who does not understand how this is based on a classic mind-control Cult.
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But what has remained hidden is the Cult-within-a-Cult, strictly for those allowed into the Inner Sanctum. These call themselves Teabaggers, and are proud of it. They practice Freedom First! like no others do.
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By now most folks have heard Progressive Left Wingers snickering every time they hear the term Teabagger used. What they don’t understand is that “Teabagger” was chosen intentionally, for camouflage. Progressives whisper to each other that “teabagging” is a term used by the homo-sexual community to describe a specific act (snicker, snicker!)
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But what better way to hide the truth than right out in the open, where everyone is staring at it, seeing nothing. So, here’s the inside scoop, pieced together from Teabagger sources who were promised anonymity for their own protection for steeping out the truth.
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Teabagger is, as the Liberals snicker, the sexual act of placing one’s scrotum into the willing mouth of another, like dunking a Tea Bag into a cup of warm water.
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But, that’s only the beginning of the story. LGBTs assume Teabagging means a male doing a male. But, in the fullest definition, gender of the recipient is not specified.
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Since the Tea Party Movement is made up of both men and women who are totally homophobic, calling themselves that would seem to make no sense. However, what set this investigation off was getting so many Emails back from Teabaggers claiming they were proud to be Teabaggers.
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There were way too many Replies for them to be just plain dumb. What was going on here?
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Inside the Cult, Teabaggering is a way of asserting and acknowledging male dominance over females. The Teabagger-dunker must always be a male, because females do not have scrotums. But the Teabagger-recipient, inside the Cult, is, with one exception, always female.
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The woman takes a subservient position, lying flat on a comfortable surface. The male straddles her, and slowly lowers his scrotum into her open mouth. She gently licks and sucks on him as she jerks him off with her hand.
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A variation on this act of submission is to switch the scrotum for the head of the penis just before ejaculation. They love to sarcastically call this the Blowing Your Teacup Cool maneuver, or just the Monica, and female Teabaggers who can do it right are highly prized.
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When the men have been satisfied, women pair off in 69, or form a Great Circle Daisy, and bring each other off orally, a birth control maneuver for releasing orgasms while avoiding the possibility of pregnancy, except for those who did the Monica, who may only use their fingers, not their tongues, to bring off their partner.
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All Teabagger participants in these activities can proclaim forever after that they “were not having sex!” because no penis touched a vagina at any time.
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Once a Chapter pair have perfected their maneuvers, like a dance couple, they apply to a Teabagger Competition. Here, in classic Roman Orgy style, 12 contestants dressed only in gorgeous robes arrange themselves in pairs for judging. At the sound of a chime, female robes are shed and they assume the position of subservience.
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At the sound of a gong males disrobe and begin lowering their scrotums. Judges wander among couples, observing and making notes. Points are awarded for fastest and for mostest, with extra points for style. Ramming her finger up his anus to bring him off faster looses a point, tho she may rim him before accepting his scrotum. Obviously, immaculate bodily hygiene is essential.
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All contestants are accepted into the National Teabagger Registry, tho some with earned Stars: Gold for men, Silver for women.
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A variation practiced by Teabagger Chapters without enough female partners is to do the DoubleBagger. Two males arrange themselves in a 69 position, and each do the other at the same time. Points are earned if there is simultaneous orgasm, but only if both penises remain in full view to see the moment of ejaculation.
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Competitive DoubleTeaBaggering is a sport performed by 6 male couples before the entire Chapter, with the winner taking his choice of a female partner for the week to prove he is not gay.
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Submission of females to male domination has always been a cornerstone of Teabaggery. The few Sex Object females conspicuously paraded in the national media are to attract more Teabaggers into the Movement, with a tease rarely fulfilled — tho they do encourage mental images of themselves to be used to accelerate ejaculation in competitions.
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And, there, so you have it.
Secrets of Teabaggers fully disrobed.
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If this is your Cup of Tea, seek out your neighborhood all-white Teabagger Chapter. For reasons of security, there is no Website, nor any national organization which might compromise identities of grassroots members.
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Teabagger Chapters are independent groups, and are not affiliated with either Beck’s gold-plated FoxTrotters, or Rush’s Limpbrained hatred activities.
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Exclaimed a Woman Teabagger: “Men dominate, and I love it!
When I have his scrotum in my mouth, I know who is in control!”
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By Alphonse September 8, 2010 at 6:23 am
This Just In: God hates reverse cowgirl too.
By Cate September 8, 2010 at 10:25 am
To Alvin Green’s Cousin: Do you think Alvin will make an action figure out of teabaggers, too? Maybe that would “stimulate” the economy.