Feliz Navidad From Mark And Maria

Since S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford was obviously omitted from his family’s Christmas card this year, we figured it was only appropriate that he get a word in edgewise this holiday season.

Accordingly, in collaboration (not) with the governor, we’ve prepared this special Christmas card for the people of South Carolina from His Excellency The Honorable Marshall Clement Sanford, Jr.

Oh, and from the love of his (mid-)life (crisis), Maria Belen Chapur.

Enjoy …

Dear Friends,

As we gather together to celebrate this Christmas season, Maria and I would simply like to say “Thank You.”  Or at least “Thank You” to the 49% of you who currently do not want to see me impeached, according to the latest Rasmussen Reports poll.

The rest of you clearly haven’t heard what Paul Harvey called “the rest of the story.”

As I’m sure you have noticed, though, it’s been a busy year for me.  After gaining some remarkably positive national media coverage during the whole debate over the federal “stimulus,” I decided to take some time away from work without telling anyone to ponder my own significance (and my upcoming presidential campaign).

My chosen method of “decompression?”

I took a nice, long hike by myself on the Appalachian Trial.

Well … except that’s not what I did (damn you, Gina Smith).

On Father’s Day weekend, I decided to do what any good dad would do, which was to leave my wife and kids and jet down to Argentina for a little “self-stimulus” … specifically a nice, quiet drive by myself along the picturesque coast of this lovely South American nation.

Except that’s not what I did, either (damn you again, Gina Smith).

I was in Argentina, alright, but I spent that week shacking up in Buenos Aires with my middle-aged Latin lover, Maria (a.k.a. your future First Lady).  And yes, I once again crossed the “ultimate line” with her.  And yes, the “ultimate line” for me is the “Dirty Sanchez” (which is not to be confused with the “Dirty Rodriguez.”)

Aye yay yay yarribba!!!

I know, I know … like King David before me I have sinned before God and man (and my wife and kids). Yadda yadda yadda …

I must confess, though, I feel relieved now that all of these inner yearnings of mine are out in the open – particularly since the politically calculating cowards in the S.C. General Assembly clearly lack the stones to impeach me.  Now I can continue to draw a taxpayer salary for another year while waxing on about transparency, accountability and fiscal responsibility – three core conservative beliefs that I’ve dedicated my life to talking about.

And will continue to talk about.

Most importantly, though, now Maria and I can love one another the way God meant for us to – on Cialis. After all, she is my soul mate.  It is only natural that our shared love of tan lines and the inner recesses of each other’s hearts should be permitted to grow and blossom.

And yes, I know Maria is a bit of a “butter face,” but I can assure you she is a genius from the neck down.  She is also a real “giver”  in the lovemaking component of our relationship, which I would tell you more about but I’m told by my pollster, Jon Lerner, that you have heard enough about that part of my life.

At the end of the day, though, from our wrecked families to yours, we would simply say “Feliz Navidad.” We look forward to sharing many Christmases with you in the years to come, particularly once I figure out which U.S. Senate seat I plan on running for.

I’m currently leaning toward both of them, by the way.

Take care,

Mark (and Maria)

P.S. – Given the excessive media scrutiny of my administration of late, I would be remiss not to point out that this Christmas card – unlike the selfish pursuit of my carnal desires – was not printed or mailed at taxpayers’ expense!

Feliz Navidad, everybody!

(click on image to enlarge)

Original Pic: Freaking News