You’ve got to hand it to them … FITS readers are quite the bunch of comedians.
In fact, they’re usually much funnier than we are, which is no small feat.
For example, in a story Monday about S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster and his brain-dead refusal to return campaign contributions from lawyers his agency hired to represent the state, we noted that McMaster is “dumb as a box of rocks … which when you stop and think about it is an insult to boxes of rocks everywhere.”
Pretty good, huh?
Almost worthy of its own “ba doom ching,” right?
Well, one of our readers quickly “one-upped” us, responding that “you could put Henry’s brain deep inside a gnat’s fanny, and it’d still rattle.”
Yowzas! Now THAT‘s cooking with gas, people!
Anyway, it seems that gauging the limited intellectual capacity of our Attorney General (and supposed gubernatorial front-runner) brings out the best in everyone’s creativity, which is why FITS is proud to announce a new competition.
We’re calling it “Henry McMaster is so dumb that …”
Yeah …
Your job? That’s easy … finish the sentence with your funniest analogy.
The winner will receive a new T-Shirt from the FITS Store …
By I pay taxes in Flowtown September 30, 2009 at 9:45 am
Henry McMaster is so dumb he still thinks it’s 1863… In the dark about the right issues
By Darth September 30, 2009 at 10:03 am
He sent Robert Cahaly out for an e-series satmp so he could send e-mail…
Ok, it was told about a former Senator sending Andy Brack out for an e-series stamp.
By Brian September 30, 2009 at 10:45 am
Henry McMaster is so dumb that he thought Craigslist was a list of hookers managed by a pimp named Craig.
By Red September 30, 2009 at 11:21 am
he put an ad on your website.
By Zach September 30, 2009 at 11:31 am
My mother taught me it was bad manners to joke about the truth and about things people cannot change or help. But this is funny.
By Barney Fife September 30, 2009 at 11:35 am
He hired Robert Cahaly!
By J. Wellington September 30, 2009 at 11:41 am
I tried to see things from his perspective, but I could’t get my head that far up my ass…
By Stop Pimpin' Your Kids September 30, 2009 at 11:59 am
He promised to increase state revenues by cracking down on “deadbeats” who defaulted on student loans!
By No Name September 30, 2009 at 12:02 pm
He is so dumb that he thinks that begging for money from your friends…. and asking for money from strangers…
for the sole purpose of achieving an office with little or no real power …whose only symbolic purpose will be throwing your vote
into the Budget and Control Board mafia…….during what will surely be a State economic depression…. an event that will no doubt stain the office holder
IS A GOOD THING.
By Bubba September 30, 2009 at 12:07 pm
…that when he has a brainstorm it only drizzles.
By old bike dude September 30, 2009 at 12:18 pm
That when he heard the Luv Guv had an Argentinian mistress, he replied..”Ohhhh my, you mean he’s been down in Jasper County dating them black girls again”!
By too big too small September 30, 2009 at 1:09 pm
he couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “a”.
By shaggy September 30, 2009 at 1:14 pm
is the one of the few people i have ever met that loses brain cells when he takes a dump.
By Jonny D September 30, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Henry McMaster is so dumb that if he weren’t the AG, he would be shoveling shit on a pig farm.
By Stinkbait September 30, 2009 at 2:09 pm
— if you put his brain in a hummingbird, he’d fly backwards & wouldn’t know a petunia from a dog’s butthole.
By beentook2 September 30, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Henry and a Tick Turd were both nominated for the Einstein Award and the winner would have a holiday named in their honor. From now on the 2nd Tuesday in November is recognized as Tick Turd Day.
By philip branton September 30, 2009 at 3:03 pm
…..that when he hears about WIND ENERGY along our Coast, the word “Flatulence” comes to MIND.!!!
(Henry, remember ANY press is better than NO Press at all..)
By Jonny D September 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm
…and while you’re at it Fits, how about a contest to name Jenny’s highly anticipated future best seller.
http://www.postandcourier.com/news/2009/sep/23/jenny-sanford-write-memoir/
Methinks it should be called “Tales of an Ice Princess”, with the tagline “guaranteed to leave you cold”.
By Strom's Daughter September 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Henry McMaster is so dumb that when his girl friend in high school asked him for some “oral,” Henry started yodeling.
By Jonny D September 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm
…my alternate title to Jenny’s book, revealed first to Fits readers, “No Sex, No Luv, No E-Mails”.
By Michael S. Smith II September 30, 2009 at 3:36 pm
… is soooo dumb that hookers (i.e. escorts) are still advertising in phone books distributed throughout the Palmetto State — never mind Craig’s List.
By Stupid Stupid Stupid September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Barney Fife, I mean Mike Green- good one.
Your pen name remotely fits your IQ score.
By J. Wellington September 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Hank is so dumb he invented the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime he has a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability he’ll get it wrong.
By Luv Guv September 30, 2009 at 6:35 pm
…When asked to put his sex (gender) on the last 2000 Census – Henry wrote in: Monday, Thursday, and sometimes on Saturday.
By Leon Black September 30, 2009 at 6:46 pm
He is so dumb that I now see the dangers of weed.
By Dr. Pepper September 30, 2009 at 6:47 pm
…Bravo has asked him to audition for their new series; Desperate Housewives of the City of Columbia.
By 1 + 1 = 3 September 30, 2009 at 7:43 pm
…he believed that Sanford was hiking the trail
By Rambo September 30, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Henry McMaster is so dumb that when I told him that he had lost his mind, he went looking for it…and STILL couldn’t find it.
By scooter September 30, 2009 at 7:58 pm
i can’t compete with these. They are all good. One thing I do know, Henry is not the smartest guy, and demonstrates that nearly every time he opens his mouth. Sorry, guy, but you are clueless.
By newzjunkie September 30, 2009 at 9:26 pm
… he thinks he believes he’ll be our next governor!
By Rude Dude September 30, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Don’t underestimate his estimable brain: it’s like a ping pong ball bouncing around in an empty silo.
By FoghornLeghorn October 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm
so dumb that he thought he could get away with this…
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704471504574443331780127384.html
From the Wall Street Journal…
In case anyone thought pay-to-play legal rackets were solely Democratic scandals, look to South Carolina, where Attorney General Henry McMaster is proving that Republicans can also get cozy with the plaintiffs bar.
Mr. McMaster, first elected in 2002 and now (surprise!) running for governor, sued Eli Lilly in 2007 to recover state money used to treat medical problems that he claims were caused by the antipsychotic drug Zyprexa. The suit is one of a new wave of Medicaid-related lawsuits, in which states target pharmaceutical companies to fill their health-budget holes.
More interesting than the suit’s dubious merits are Lilly’s recent court filings about the AG’s ties to trial lawyers. Mr. McMaster in 2006 chose three private lawyers—John S. Simmons, John Belton White, Jr., and F. Kenneth Bailey, Jr.—to prosecute Lilly on behalf of the state. The no-bid contingency contract—which Mr. McMaster refused to produce to Lilly for nearly a year—gives the private lawyers a sliding-scale cut of any judgment or settlement, a jackpot potentially worth tens of millions of dollars.
About a month after filing the case in 2007, according to the Lilly documents, Mr. Simmons’s law firm had turned around to contribute the maximum amount allowable ($3,500) under state law to Mr. McMaster’s re-election. Mr. White’s law firm contributed the same amount on the same day, and Mr. White later added a personal maximum donation. All told, the law firms, their lawyers and spouses have contributed more than $60,000 to Mr. McMaster since 2006. The AG can transfer this money to his gubernatorial account.
This sweetheart deal is rife with conflict of interest, and Lilly’s filing also lays out the legal and constitutional problems. Consider due process. Both the U.S. and South Carolina constitutions make clear that the state and its lawyers must be guided by justice and the public interest, not monetary gain. South Carolinians would be outraged if Mr. McMaster won a personal financial cut of any case he won as Attorney General. How is it better that his lawyers get it instead?
AGs dodge this complaint by claiming ultimate “control” over their special litigators. But as of August, Lilly could find no evidence “that either the Attorney General or anyone from his office has signed any motion, agreement, or discovery response since the filing of the Complaint.” Lilly was also unaware of the AG or anyone from his office “making an appearance on behalf the State at any of the numerous hearings and depositions.” As for the chestnut that the state lacks the manpower to litigate these cases, Lilly notes that as of 2008 Mr. McMaster ran an office with 207 employees, including 71 lawyers. Only five law firms in the state employ more attorneys.
In 1991, South Carolina passed a law specifically prohibiting individuals with no-bid state contracts from donating to officials in a position to act on those contracts. Mr. McMaster claims the law doesn’t apply to lawyers, despite clear language (“any person”) to the contrary. The judge in the case this month denied Lilly’s request to disqualify the private lawyers, so Mr. McMaster is claiming victory and refusing to return the money.
He might want to rethink. Lilly is appealing, and the State Ethics Commission says it has jurisdiction. “McMaster should probably start tallying up that kind of money and see how he’s going to give it all back,” says Cathy Hazelwood, the commission’s deputy director and general counsel.
Whatever the outcome, Lilly has done a public service by challenging the shady financial arrangements at the root of these suits. As for Mr. McMaster, voters should consider what his pay-to-play schemes reveal about his political ethics.