God Speaks To C Street Crew
FITS has just obtained a copy of a letter apparently sent by God to the “Fellowship” of “Family” politicians who hang out at the so-called “Devotional House” on C Street in Washington, D.C.
Three of these Republican politicians – Nevada Senator John Ensign, S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford and former Mississippi Congressman Chip Pickering – have recently been busted having extramarital affairs.
Anyway, here’s a copy of the letter:
TO: “Fellowship” D-Bags
RE: My commandments
What up douchebags, it’s me – the Alpha and Omega here.
Let Me start by saying that in the many millennia that have passed since I created this bitch (a.k.a. mother earth), I have never seen so many sorry sacs of sanctimonious sh*t gathered together in one place.
Well other than the Council of Trent, maybe.
Seriously, exactly what part of “honor Me and keep My commandments” can you narcissistic pricks not seem to wrap your puny, infantile brains around? What is it about “personal responsibility” that’s so hard for your Nero-esque egos to grasp? And no, I’m not just talking about y’all sticking your itsy bitsies (remember, I created them) where they don’t belong. That I can understand. I don’t condone it, but I understand.
What did the good Reverend call me in “Coming to America?” The “Hugh Hefner on High?” Exactly.
No, what I’m sick and tired of is you morons dragging My good name through the mud every time you get busted for being complete and total hypocrites – on stuff that’s much more important to Me than banging some skank from your political action committee, incidentally. Publicly crying out to Me because your fundamental fraudulence as human beings got exposed is not faith, it’s desperation, and I don’t care if I’m worth 20, 30, 40 or 50 points to you in the polls, I want you to stop using My name in vain.
And you, Mark Sanford … you’re the worst offender here. You ignore Me for the first twelve years of your “time in public life” and now all of a sudden you want everybody to think we’re best buds?
Well f*ck you. I want nothing to do with your tanfastic ass, which makes me not unlike your sixteen-year-old son – you know, one of the “four little boys” you ditched on Father’s Day to sneak off with your Latin “soul mate.” He’s all done with you, too, in case you haven’t noticed.
As for the rest of you C Streeters, I don’t get it … you claim to spend all this time reading My word and yet you couldn’t be any further away from it if you tried. “Did I ask too much – more than a lot? You gave Me nothing – now it’s all that I got.”
That’s My “national anthem” for your pathetic country, where the only people being honest with Me right now are the ones currently gang-raping future generations of taxpayers in the name of “change.” Meanwhile, you Pharisees are channeling Frank Luntz, banging your mistresses and consulting with your “spiritual advisors.”
Look … I gave you idiots some very simple instructions and what did you do? You did precisely as every other cabal of power-hungry whores has done since the dawn of time – you took money and freedom away from my people so that you could look good on cave drawings … err TV … and build up treasures for yourselves on earth.
I’m not kidding. I gave you assholes Thomas Jefferson, victory at Yorktown, a land of flowing milk and honey and somehow you managed to f*ck it up beyond all recognition. Seriously, you got cars, electricity, and my homey Al Gore even hooked you up with the Internet.
And what do you give me in return? Billions in Chinese-held debt.
Seriously, after receiving way too many prayers from you dipsh*ts on the subject, I even put that moron from Texas you wanted in the Oval Office for eight years (you have no idea how hard that was) and what did he end up doing? Turning surpluses into deficits and setting this nation on an unsustainable path to socialism.
And yes, in case you were wondering that’s EXACTLY why I gave you the Kenyan – along with a country that’s not safe anymore and a price tag your grandchildren will never be able to repay. Not in a million years.
Don’t get mad at Me, though. I got a commitment to the truth. I’m just keeping it real.
Oh, and pardon Me for asking but WTF is a “spiritual counselor?” Is that some new emo thing I missed? Please. Get over yourselves.
I was only “spiritual counselor” you ever needed.
Have a nice day, buttheads.
Wow! Go God!