Why Does Lou Piniella Hate Us?

Just two short seasons ago, it seemed as though our founding editor had his first-ever Great Santini League fantasy baseball championship all locked up …

It was the last day of the 2007 season, and even after an epic seven-run meltdown by Tom Glavine (in a third of an inning, no less), Sic somehow still stood atop the “Santini Series” standings.

With this bullet dodged – along with a blown save by then-Brewers’ reliever Francisco Cordero – Sic breathed a sigh of relief. In fact, he had already begun to receive congratulatory phone calls from fellow owners on winning the most coveted trophy in all of sports

Then, the unthinkable happened … thanks to none other than Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella.

Looking to get his relievers some extra work before their playoff series with the Arizona Diamondbacks (in which they were SWEPT), Piniella decided to insert closer Ryan Dempster into the fourth inning of a game against the Cincinnati Reds.

Already a hero to Sic haters for his poor play that season, Dempster proceeded to give up four runs in that one inning of work – or precisely enough damage to cost Sic Willie his lead in the earned run average category, and as a result, the championship.

“It was like I was watching the Zapruder film out there …” a dejected Sic Willie told reporters following what is universally regarded as the greatest collapse in all of sports.

“You’re hit and you’re hurting but you’re thinking ‘God, I can make it, just get me to the hospital.’ Then comes the head shot.”

This year, Piniella is coming back to haunt Sic again – by refusing to move star leadoff hitter Alfonso Soriano from the outfield to second base.

You can read all the (many, many) real-world reasons why this move makes sense over on Bleacher Report, but in our fantasy world it makes sense because second basemen who hit for power are the proverbial cat’s meow.

Of course, we don’t know what’s going to happen with Soriano because Piniella blew off reporters following the Cubs 2-1 loss to Los Angeles (and FITS starter Randy Wolf) last night.

Which isn’t surprising, because Piniella is a dick – and always has been.

Obviously we’re not still bitter. Not at all.

In fact, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that we’re holding Lou’s 1984 O-Pee-Chee card over an open flame right now chanting “burn in hell you imbecile,” in Jobu-ese.

Still, wouldn’t it be nice if Piniella took his head out of his surly ass long enough to figure how to manage a ballclub?

Seriously. Captain Obvious called, Lou. He said move Soriano to second …

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