The DJ Slick Review: Star Trek

Editor’s note: Consider yourself warned … he’s back.

By DJ Slick

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I’m back. Not that I really want to be, but they only let you stay in rehab for so long. I would have left sooner, but my counselor was train smoke hot and quite attached to me. I’m pretty sure that “attachment” got me sent home. I sure hope she finds a job soon.

Anyway, part of my therapy was to avoid the stupid little things in life – you know, the kind of inane, pedantic sh*t you find on Sic Willie’s little blog.

My docs told me that Sic and his virtual den of iniquity weren’t good for me. In fact, if I was going to finally kick my sex addiction (David Duchovny-style), then I needed to get as far from him and his deranged world as possible.

Therapy wasn’t going well, though. First of all, no one said a f*cking word about celibacy when I checked in … I mean when I was committed.

Brochures and website both were totally silent on that one.

After a few weeks of abstinence, and with enough introspection to qualify for the 6th level of Zen Buddhism, I suddenly realized – What kind of idiot voluntarily seeks a cure for a sex addiction?! I then became very uncooperative, and my counselor soon began serving as the bodacious equivalent of a drug smuggler in Amy Winehouse’s treatment facility. Bottom line – I ain’t rehabbed for sh*t.

Sic Willie, himself no stranger to sexual deprivation, called me the minute I got out and asked me if I wanted my old job back. You know, the job with no f*cking pay and virtually no reading audience. And seriously, how could I pass that up?

Apparently, though, there are a few more of you out there than there were last year, and Sic’s flashing the cash around like a Two Notch pimp running 6 hos. Hell, I got him paying for the movie tickets and Junior Mints and a coke. No popcorn, though – dickhead!

Plus, he swears on a stack of naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan that he’s gonna hook me up with Mande. And if he doesn’t – we’ll start with a holy hell ass-whipping and go from there.

Anyway, on to the first movie I decided to see this year – Star Trek. Quick review – not too bad. And that’s coming from someone who thinks the whole Star Trek thing is the gayest, nerdiest, geekiest sh*t ever.

Let’s start with the old show. Captain James Tiberius Kirk (badass name, huh) and the crew of the USS Enterprise go on a five-year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. Guess that rules out Paris Hilton’s va jay jay.

Anyway, that show sucked! Sh*tty sets, fake ass planets, very little cleavage on the chicks (most of whom weren’t even hot) and worst of all no light sabers just a buch of lame-assed phasers (what the hell’s wrong with ray guns? they had em in the 60’s, didn’t they?).

Add to all of that the fact that over the past 40 years, every pencil necked, pimply faced Poindexter has worshipped at the Star Trek altar, buying action figures, watching reruns until their eyes crossed, and worst of all, going to conventions dressed like characters from the show.

These f*cking nerds talk like Clingons, Romulons, and Vulcans (and if one of you points out in the comments section that I misspelled one of those damn words, I will have Sic trace your IP address and I will personally show up and kick your skinny little ass all over your mother’s basement). They also do goofy hand gestures and have panel discussions about the need for peace between the federation and whoever the f*ck it is they fight in outer space.

Don’t worry goobers, I’m sure Jimmy Carter and the Carter Center are all over this one.

They also go to movies in Columbia. S.C., which let’s face it is going somewhere boldy in an of itself.

Matter of fact, I roll up to the theater at Columbiana Grande – a DJ Slick favorite – and find about five of these morons in red and gold and blue shirts giving each other that f*cked up high five Spock thinks is cool. One of them turns to me and says something like, “Live long and prosper,” to which I replied, “Bite my ass.”

Realizing right away that I had to set an important tone for this flick, I stopped and added, “Listen up, freaks. I hear one damn word in English, Romulish, or Clingonish out of any of you fucks in that movie, and I’m beating your ass. Any questions?” One look at my guns did the trick, obviously. I never heard another peep out of those turds.

But I’ve already told you the movie’s not bad, so let me explain myself.

The guy who plays the young Captain Kirk is pretty cool. He fights a lot better than the old guy, too, and to top it all off – Sic thinks he’s cute.

His dad was a badass starship captain who took one for the team early on when he saved a lot of people from some ugly-assed aliens. Flash forward, and there’s a twenty-something Kirk growing up in Iowa. Yeah, I said Iowa – you got to suspend belief in this movie and imagine something cool actually exists there.

Well, other than a cornfield that Sic Willie and his butt buddies in the governor’s office can use for political purposes.

Ever wonder how they built the Enterprise? Well, they kinda tell you, because it’s half-built sitting in the middle of a f*cking corn field. I kept waiting for Kevin Costner, naked ass and all, to come walking out of the corn.

Never happened. Nor did they tell you how that damn contraption wound up in space.

Anyway all the characters from the show are in this movie – except they’re young, of course. You got Dr. Bones whatever the hell his name is, Chekhov, Sulu, Spock, Scotty, and a smoking hot Uhuru – not that ugly mascara-faced thing from the 60’s.

And you’ll never guess who’s banging her – Spock! Got to hand it to the pointy eared bastard. He knows a fine piece of futuristic poon when he sees it. And best of all, he gets over on Kirk for this one.

The plot was like most Star Trek movies – weak. Something about time travel, and old Spock coming back to talk to young Spock. Probably wanted to know what it was like back in the day when he was still getting busy with Uhuru. And how can you blame him?

I’d travel through time or a worm hole myself to hit that.

Moving on, the action scenes are passable, but they fall just a little short by DJ Slick standards.

One cool scene has Kirk and one of the other guys sky-diving from outer f*cking space onto a drill platform. Okay, now that’s boss, but the fight scene on the platform blows. In fact, the dressed up Klingon Klowns who sat behind me could have done better.

Anyway Kirk falls on a frozen planet (well, maybe he landed there or got his ass left, or transported – I forgot), and gets his ass chased by a big buggy looking monster. Dumbass runs into a cave, and just as he’s about to be bug lunch, old Spock comes out waving a torch at the thing.

Reminds me of Yukon f*cking Cornelius from Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. I’m not kidding, and it pretty much has the same effect only they don’t all fall off a cliff. The bug just leaves. Lame as hell!

Still, the action is pretty good, and there are some decent special effects – not Star Wars quality, but decent nonetheless. Kirk is cocky, and the dude playing him pulls off a few “Shatneresque” moments.  Which reminds me – got to get a word in on William Shatner. He’s an old midget now, but that guy is hilarious. You also got to give him credit for making a damn mint for forty years out of one of the dumbest shows ever. Plus, he’s tapped more stuff than just about anybody who ever lived. A real American icon.

Star Trek also has its fair share of political commentary, and it’s totally bullshit and totally needless.

All the world comes together with a bunch of planets to form this feel-good federation to fight evil in the universe.

Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. Come to think of it though, I didn’t see any Islamofascists on the Enterprise. Maybe by then America has sacked up and nuked their rag-headed asses.

Speaking of sacking up. I saved the best for last (hope you heard that, Mande).

Remember that old Eddie Murphy routine about how Captain Kirk f*cked any and everything, including “green bitches?”

Well, I’ll be damned if he doesn’t nail a green chick in this movie. And I mean GREEN. And is she hot as hell too! Racked up as far as the eye could see … which brings me to my only problem with this scene.

No nudity at all. Slight shot of Kirk, but listen up – DJ don’t go to movies to see naked guys. This green babe has got a set on her, though, and all I got was a bra shot. Still, a tip of the hat to the guy who had the balls to put this in the movie – a tribute to Murphy, no doubt.

Long story short (too late, right Sic?) this one is worth your time. Maybe not full price, but definitely matinee worthy.

And hell, now that I’ve got my juices flowing again I might stick around Sic’s place for a while. I got that Mande thing real bad (I heard she mentioned me in one of her articles), so if he delivers, you might hear from me on some of the other cool sh*t we got out this summer – Transformers, Terminator, etc.

Til then, live long and get laid – even if that means “going green.”

DJ Slick is our official Alpha Male movie reviewer who was recently released (escaped) from a year in sex rehab.

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