Your Government, The Sarlacc

Over the past few months, we’ve been looking for the perfect metaphor to describe what the federal government has turned into lately ….

Well, that’s obviously not all we’ve been doing over the past few months, but in our effort to paint a picture for you people, we do spent a lot of time connecting the pop culture dots with the political duplicity.

And while this will probably date us a bit for the kids in the audience, we think we’ve finally found the metaphor we’ve been looking for – the Sarlacc.

We made the connection when one of our readers forwarded us eight pictures of famous “holes” throughout the world. Seven of those holes were naturally-occurring physical depressions of one sort or another, but one of them (the eighth) was the U.S. Capitol building.

Get it?

Yeah, our joy was also incomplete.

So what was missing from this otherwise well-wagered similitude?

Well, none of the holes we were forwarded truly captured the essence of what government has become – the insatiable appetite, sharp teeth, grasping tentacles and malevolent intent.

Nor did they have a starring role in a major Hollywood motion picture – let alone a Star Wars movie.

And so we settled upon the Sarlacc, the infamous man-eating pit from 1983’s Return of the Jedi …

Now that you’ve seen what the Sarlacc is capable of, here’s a description of what happens to you after it eats you, from the official Star Wars website:

The fanciful tale of a “thousand year” torment inside the Sarlacc’s digestive system may be more fact than fiction … evidence exists of a fibrous network of vessels that attach themselves to a swallowed victim, grotesquely incorporating the being into the Sarlacc’s own biological system. Such immersion is accompanied by mind-altering neurotoxins which keep the victim docile. The hallucinations coaxed by the toxins suggest that the Sarlacc somehow absorbs the intelligence of all its victims, who live on in disembodied torment.

The analogies here pretty much write themselves … the Sarlacc is obviously the U.S. government, the “fibrous network” is its multiple state and local co-conspirators and the “mind-altering neurotoxins” are the mainstream media, apparently content to keep kicking the same can a little further down the alley.

And the “victims?” Yeah … that’s where we come in.

There’s also a neat elitist parallel to describe all the poverty pimps and RINOs who sit around in Washington keeping a self-serving noose around the neck of true economic recovery …

The Sarlacc was a favorite creature of the loathsome Jabba the Hutt. The bloated gangster would amuse himself by eliminating his enemies by tossing them into the Sarlacc. He and his criminal coterie would delight to see the Sarlacc’s victims struggle helplessly, as they tried to climb up the slippery shifting sands of the Carkoon pit. Such movement would only stir the beast, which would strike out with a sticky tentacle, and tug the meal into its waiting mouth.

Think about it … when the cameras are off and cocktail hour has begun, are most Washington politicians really worried more about “just folks” like us? Or are they more concerned with where the next special interest check is coming from …

And what of the millions of people currently “struggling helplessly?”

Think about it this way … chances are a black woman making $13,000 a year in Hampton County has probably voted straight ticket Democratic in every election this decade, while a white man making $13,000 a year in Anderson County has probably voted straight ticket Republican.

Now think about this … based on the two major parties’ performance over the past 10 years, how did either individual’s choice materially benefit his or her life?

It didn’t … which means they’re just getting sucked deeper into the pit.

Anyway, unless you know a Jedi with a light sabre, good luck staying out of the Sarlacc’s mouth … although fortunately for us, the force is strong with Sic Willie.

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