Pork Chops On A Stick?

“I don’t think they have enough meats on sticks,” Cameron Diaz lamented in the 1998 cult classic There’s Something About Mary.

True that, although some dude in Iowa seems pretty intent on giving his meat on a stick to us … which we promise isn’t as NC-17 as it sounds.

Our friend Grant Young over at Questions Comments & Insults (one of the top political blogs in the state of Iowa), is going to be hooking us up with a “pork chop on a stick” … assuming of course that our beloved South Carolina Shamecocks prevail over the Iowa Hawkeyes in this year’s Outback Bowl in Tampa, Florida.

If Iowa wins, we have to hook Grant up with a bag of South Carolina boiled peanuts, which in a rare moment of legislative accomplishment were designated as our state’s official snack food by an act of the General Assembly in 2006.

First of all, we didn’t know that people in Iowa had the Internet (or colleges) yet, to say nothing of a football team or something as technologically sophisticated as a “pork chop on a stick.”

We thought there was nothing but a bunch of corn-fed heifers out there, and yet here we have the most remarkable pork discovery since Jim Henson put “Pigs in Space.”

So we suppose Iowans have something going for them, after all.

Anyway, this should be an easy bet for us.

South Carolina is 7-5, but they’re also 4-4 in the Southeastern Conference, which is pretty much like playing in the NFL.

Iowa is 8-4 overall with a 5-3 conference mark, but they play in the Big Ten, which is like one of our high school leagues.

In fact, we could probably win that meat on a stick by sending the Sumter High School Gamecocks to Tampa, which incidentally might also result in us being able to move the damn football on offense for a change.

Sadly, as much as we’d love to talk some more smack about both of these teams, South Carolina’s loss to the Clempsun Farmers is still preventing us from getting as into this as we should be.

It wasn’t just that Carolina got its ass kicked by a middle of the road ACC team, it was the utter lifelessness and lack of passion they showed.

As a result, we won’t be making the trip to Tampa this year – even though we went to both the 2001 and 2002 Outback Bowls, in which the Gamecocks beat Ohio State in consecutive seasons.

We’re still pulling for our Cocks this go-round, but they gotta show us something to justify that sort of expenditure …

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