Dear Ball Coach: Beat Clemson, Or Resign

Dear Ball Coach,

We were as excited as anybody four years ago when you came to our little college town.

Seriously, we thought it was going to be the start of a brand new era where nobody called us the Shamecocks, the Lamecocks or the Chokin’ Chickens anymore (or was that Chicken Chokers?) …

All that historical mediocrity was supposed to disappear because the “Cock-n-Fire” was here … because you were here.

We even went out and bought one of those “Spurrier ‘em” shirts and our own officially-licensed Darth Visor.

And for awhile there everything was alright. Not awesome, mind you, but alright.

After you went 15-10 your first two years with two minor bowl appearances (good by our standards here in Columbia, but not great), our joy remained unbroken because we saw great things on the horizon.

We figured you were still adapting your “offensive genius” to the changing college game, you know, the Urban Meyer game.

We even agreed with the University’s decision two years ago to give you a $500,000 annual raise, to extend your contract to 2012 and to double your annual buy-out clause to half a million smackers.

And why not? It seemed to be paying dividends last year when the Gamecocks – yes, our beloved Gamecocks – were ranked sixth in the nation with a 6-1 record.

But that rarefied air is long gone, and based on what we’ve seen this season it sure doesn’t seem to be coming back anytime soon.

The wheels have fallen off, and frankly, you haven’t figured out how to put them back on again.

South Carolina is 7-11 since last year’s blazing start, and while we’re glad that those seven wins have all come this year (meaning we get to go to another non-BCS, possibly non-New Year’s Day bowl), let’s be honest – your offense hasn’t had a damn thing to do with any of them.

Ellis Johnson’s defense has won all seven of those games, and his guys have played well enough to win you three more had your boys been able to move the football on offense.

And frankly, we don’t blame the defense one bit for giving up in the second half against Florida – not after your offense (and a botched special teams play) had spotted the Gators three touchdowns early in the game. After all, it’s not like the “Cock-n-Misfire” was going to get us back in the game even if we had been able to stop Florida from rolling up 56 points.

Speaking of Florida, you did a great job recruiting when you coached there. Not so much here.

And the guys you have recruited can’t seem to stay out of trouble.

Seriously, what’s up with all that?

Anyway, we know we’re going to catch a lot of grief for calling you out like this.

People for whatever reason still worship the ground you walk on around here, and you’ve got those Under Armour products literally flying off the shelves.

But we’re onto you, Ball Coach. And in case you haven’t noticed, we don’t particularly care if people get pissed at us for stating the obvious … which in this case is pretty, well, obvious.

Four years into your tenure here, South Carolina is still a middle-of-the-road SEC team that lacks the talent to compete for an SEC championship.

Well … lacks the talent on one side of the ball, anyway.

Your side of the ball.

So here’s the deal … there will probably be a lot of people who comment on this site calling us fair weather fans, which is fine. We’ve been following this team since back when you were earning a 60.1 quarterback rating in the NFL, but whatever.

We were here for George Rogers’ Heisman, the Fire Ants, back-to-back Outback Bowl wins under Lou Holtz and we’ll be here Lord willing for the day when someone finally manages to turn this program into a consistent winner … which our deserving fans are so desperate for that they actually celebrate first downs.

But we’re just not sure that you’re the guy to build that “consistent winner” anymore … and if you drop Saturday’s game against Clempsun … err, Clemson … we’ll know you’re not.

What are we supposed to say? You’re coming to us with 6-6 and 7-4? In your “money years?” With no blue chippers in the stable?

That’s what they call “not good.”

But you should be able to earn a reprieve from our angst this weekend.

Why? Because the Farmers … err, Tigers … suck this year, Ball Coach. They suck bad.

Your boys should be able to march into Death Valley and roll them up with relative ease, earning a trip to that New Year’s Day bowl game and a chance to get nine wins on the season.

Plus, you may even be able to convince a few in-state talents to stick around and play for you in the process.

Clemson is 4-4 in the ACC, Ball Coach … which in case you forgot stands for “Anybody Can Compete.”

You, on the other hand, coach in the SEC … which means you should be able to start cheerleaders on the offensive line and still have an athletic advantage.

So please, go out and win us this game, will ya?

Get yourself to 2-2 against the Farmer Nation and then go and win us a halfway decent bowl game so that we can at least pretend this program has some positive momentum going for it.

Because if you drop this one, Ball Coach, you really ought to resign.

And if we were your AD, we’d certainly give you that option before we showed you and that $1.7 million salary of yours the door.

Sincerely,

Sic Willie and the FITS gals

P.S. – As much as you may not believe us, we’re hoping against hope that one day soon you’ll make us eat every word of this article. Literally … every word. And we’d be glad to do it, because that would mean we were consistently winning, which is what it’s all about … no matter what that sap Grantland Rice said.

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