Spencer and Heidi: Vapid Bliss

In a world veering inexorably toward faux-everything, the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (a.k.a. “Speidi”) could very well go down as the most vapid event in all of recorded civilization.

Assuming this couple is legit (and not a product of the MTV marketing department) is like assuming that the entire Verizon wireless network is actually standing right outside your office right now.

Or that Red Bull really does give you wings.

Or that your video game 360-degree dunk over Shaquille O’Neal can be duplicated in real life.

But hey! The happy couple!

We have a bride who once said that fake breasts were worth dying for and a groom whose advice column is pretty much an advertisement for his homosexuality.

Not surprisingly, put them together and you’ve got Disney trips with not even a little bit of sex.

But “Speidi” are about more than just vapidity.

As if being notoriously shallow and self-absorbed (which we’re guessing comes with being fake reality stars) wasn’t enough, Heidi and Spencer are both dumber than dirt and utterly devoid of any talent beyond looking pretty and pretending to be a couple – which they’ve got down to a science.

Seriously, just accept that premise … or else you’ll be forced to click here and listen to Heidi’s single.

Of course since Heidi did cheat death to acquire two orb-shaped talents on her chest, by all means let’s take a look at them … and remember, they come as standard safety features in just about any new car these days.