Zack And Miri Have The Right Idea

Since our little website has been called “pornographic” by two different Senatorial candidates already this year, we got to wondering what the current definition of “pornography” is. Which we’re guessing in this era probably depends on what the definition of “is” is, since it has to do with sexual relations.

For example take “Zach and Miri,” which is the network television name for the movie “Zach and Miri Make A Porno.”

Apparently, you can’t advertise anything using the word “Porno” on network TV, and before that “Zach and Miri (_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _)” almost earned the kiss of death from the Motion Picture Association of America, the dreaded NC-17 stamp.

So what counts as “porn” these days?

Well, as far as we can tell, porn consists of the following three things …

1- Butt Crack (at least 40% showing)
2- Female Nipple
3- Pubic Hair and Anything Below It

Once you’ve showed one of these three things, it’s called “soft-core” porn.

And obviously, when stuff from number three (a.k.a. “junk”) is shown getting shoved into various orifices, or when fingers and mouths start playing with stuff from number three, then we’re dealing with “hard-core” porn.

It’s the whole Playboy versus Hustler thing … just showing your junk is soft-core (Playboy), whereas showing your junk interacting with others is hard-core (Hustler).

Anyway, by those definitions, FITS has engaged in soft-core porn on one occasion – when we linked to this picture of Lindsey Lohan – and we’ve obviously never published or linked to anything hard-core.

So … does that make us “pornographers?”

Or, according to network TV standards, “_ _ _ _ _ graphers?”

Frankly, we don’t care – all these dotted lines are making us want to play Hangman.

And even if we did care, we honestly don’t see that much harm in porn – particularly nipples.

In fact, there’s only been one time we can remember where nipples where dangerous, and that was in an Austin Powers movie, not in real life.

We have it on good authority that in real life, nipples are awesome, people.

So lighten up … go see “Zach and Miri Make A Porno” and remember that your tax dollars have no doubt gone to fund a lot worse porn than anything you’ll see in that flic … or on this website.

Oh, and if you’re currently working on a government computer and wish you could access porn, all you need to know is that the ACLU is just a phone call away.

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