Coffee Makes Your Boobs Smaller

Juan Valdez is officially off of our “Facebook Friends” list today, as a new report shows that excessive use of his product shrinks women’s boobs.

That’s right, ladies.  Too many coffee cups will shrink your cups, although there’s apparently a link to caffeine consumption and breast health … a link we urge women everywhere to ignore.

Alright, alright … we’re kidding.  You shouldn’t ignore it, and besides, the FITS gals aren’t going to be kicking our two-cup-a-day habit anytime soon, regardless of these findings released by the Lund University of Sweden.

Or regardless of how many men want to squeeze our sweater monkeys.

According to the report, though, women who drink at least three cups a day experienced “noticeable bosom reduction.”  Which is bad.  But apparently there are also substances in coffee that alter women’s metabolisms, making them more resistant to tumors.  Which is good.

In an effort to get to the bottom of all this, our founding editor attempted to discuss the issue with his wife, Mrs. Sic Willie, who also happens to be our resident health and nutrition expert.

The interview was abruptly discontinued, however, when Sic Willie couldn’t stop starting at his wife’s cleavage long enough to pay attention to what she was saying.

“It was like the sound you hear in Charlie Brown when the adults are talking,” he said. “That’s all I heard.”