Speak American, Man

In their latest attempt to appeal to a major contender in the Race of Disenfranchised Firstsâ„¢, John McCain and Barack Obama are airing ads in Spanish.

Besides the adverts’ earsplitting stilted diphthongs (look it up), they present a whole other perplexing conundrum: Why do they exist?

Ostensibly, Spanish ads exist to ensure equal access to political information. Makes sense, at least if you’re a zealot for contrived egalitarianism; doesn’t make sense if, like us, you’re a xenophobic champion for ethnocentrism.

Either way, “other-than-English” ads just absolutely do not belong. Unless gratuity is their entire raison d’etre – and, obsequious as Obama and McCain are, there has to be some measure of perceived utilitarian value – these ads are totally out of place.

So what practical purpose do Spanish adverts serve?

The answer is so obvious that most people don’t even ask the question, missing out completely on the wily obfuscation it presents.

First, the obvious: Obama and McCain air Spanish ads because the Hispanic vote is crucial in the current “thisclose” election. Did you get that? “Thisclose?” Nevermind …

Anyway, the Hispanic bloc is electoral gold, up for grabs by whichever candidate best mines for it.

This is the case, incidentally, because neither political party really represents Hispanic interests: The Democrats have their (wet)backs with regard to immigration, but the Republicans appeal to their traditional Catholic values.

This is all to say that both Obama and McCain desperately need Hispanic support – and they’re going for it, a la Spanish ads.

But why Spanish? Why spend the money – and airtime – to replicate the English ads that are already in place?

It’s not tax dollars they’re spending, which is to say that the politicians break from their usual habits and allocate funds with painstaking prudence.

So the Spanish ads must be worth it, right?

And now for the obfuscation: McCain and Obama air Spanish ads because many (most?) Hispanics don’t speak English. Okay, that’s probably obvious too, at least to anyone who’s had a house built or renovated this decade.

The real obfuscation is that no person can vote unless they can speak English. That’s not opinion, people, it’s a straight-up fact.

Only U.S. citizens can vote, and citizenship is contingent upon a demonstration of basic English proficiency.

So the Spanish ads? They must necessarily mean that the candidates are vying for voters who aren’t even supposed to be voting.

That won’t actually stop them from voting, of course, since adhering to laws is just so … gauche and antiquated.

After all, citizenship – or even a visa or a green card – well, that’s just a minor technicality these days.

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