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YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GET PAST THIS CHICK (AND KIRSTEN DUNST, TOO)

FITSNews – July 28, 2008 – We’ve got to hand it to our man Tyler Durden.  In addition to posting wildly inappropriate material laced with crass cynicism and profanity on a daily basis (editor’s note: our hero ), the philosopher king is now dabbling in the realm of electoral reform.

From the greatest website ever, we read:

Voting should be hard.  Why should every dipshit who has no idea what’s going on get to vote? In fact it should be harder. You should have to take some kind of civics test. And then it would be like American Gladiators where chicks with big boobs in Stars and Stripes bikinis bonk you with foam bats as you try to cross a river.

Wow. Can anybody say Twenty-Eighth Amendment?

Anyway, as funny as Tyler’s voting reforms are, the pretext of his story is even better – that actress Kirsten Dunst (a.k.a. Snaggletooth) is producing a documentary about why people vote on Tuesdays.  Yeah … let that sink in.  Kirsten Dunst.  Producing a documentary about politics.  That makes about as much sense as Lindsay Lohan examining the science of climate change, or Britney Spears assessing the devaluation of the yen, or Janet Jackson investigating functional wardrobes.

Apparently, Dunst’s documentary is part of a national effort to make Election Day a national holiday so that more people can vote.  Which – as Tyler intuitively understands – is the last thing this country needs.

Of course, all these people really need to do to get what they want is turn Dunst loose on the U.S. Capitol. She’s like the Cloverfield monster, people, except paler.  And utterly impervious to all of our modern weapons.

One flash of Dunst’s incisors and our leaders would bow to her demands.