DJ Slick Previews …

… HIS SUMMER MOVIES REVIEWS (AND PONDERS WHY HE’S NOT GETTING PAID)

By DJ Slick

FITSNews – July 8, 2008 – Over the Fourth of July weekend, I decided to have a serious conversation with Sic Willie about my compensation package – mainly the fact that I don’t have one.

I spent a lot of time getting ready for that talk, including doing some pretty interesting research on what movie reviewers at mainstream media outlets get paid. Turns out some of those no-talent turds are actually breaking their employers down for some pretty nice coin. I was pretty stoked to see some sweet six-figure numbers in my data, and I was convinced that I could reason with Sic and get him to part with some of the mega-dollars starting to pour into this dump, err burgeoning media empire.

Yeah. Not so much.

First of all, you can’t have a serious conversation with someone who constantly drools from the corner of his mouth. I’m not completely sure what causes it, but Sic always has this stream of foamy gelatinous material oozing from his pie hole. And since he’s never too far from the computer where they have video games and pictures of naked women, you’d have a better chance of getting the attention of a former crack baby who’s missed a couple of doses of Ritalin.

So, the status quo holds. And for all you nimrods with USC diplomas, “status quo” is a Latin phrase which means: I’m not getting paid, and Sic’s still trying to find naked pictures of Rachel McAdams on the Internet.

Lucky for you people, I am dedicated to my craft. And so within a span of forty-eight hours this weekend, I saw easily the worst movie of the summer and, depending on how good “The Dark Knight“ turns out to be, perhaps the best movie I will see all year.

Reviews of both “The Happening“ and “Hancock“ are forthcoming, but I’ll hit you with a brief preview.

It’s really pretty simple: Don’t go within a billion miles of “The Happening.” Don’t wait for it at the $1.50 theater, HBO, or even network television. It is an all-time shitty movie. More later.

Equally simple: Will Smith is a freaking movie God, and “Hancock” is badass! Later this week, I’ll get you caught up with how good this movie is, just in time for you to schedule your weekend around a showing.

Sit tight, keep hitting your refresh button, and I’ll make sure you know how to spend your free time.

And if anyone knows what the hell that crap is dripping from Sic’s mouth, keep it to yourself. As all the happy people at the Horseshoe say, “ignorance is bliss.”

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