DJ Slick Reviews “Wanted”

AMERICA’S ALPHA MALE, UBER-HETEROSEXUAL FILM CRITIC IS BACK

FITSNews – June 28, 2008 – We’ve got a news flash … a DJ Slick Exclusive, if you will … everybody ready?

Sic Willie did not get laid on his honeymoon!

That’s right. You heard it here first. And how do I know? Well, because our founding editor returned to the office this week in a royally shitty mood, and failure to get his freak on with Mrs. Sic Willie is the only sensible explanation.

Unless of course you consider that while Sic was gone, his so-called crack staff didn’t do a damn bit of work.

Apparently, someone forgot to send us the memo that we actually had to keep this crappy little blog going while His Excellency was off on some tropical island trying to convince Mrs. Sic that all newly married couples wear Batman and Bat girl suits during sex …

So anyway, on his first day back, Sic storms into my office … umm, my cubicle … umm, alrighty, my school desk in the fucking hallway … and demands to know why I hadn’t reviewed any movies while he was gone.

Seriously … you people see this guy as a lovable teddy bear who wouldn’t hurt a fly, but after he striped my ass for about fifteen minutes, I can tell you he’s more like a damn grizzly bear who just had his balls dragged across a porcupine’s ass.

So, to please His Majesty, I hopped into my Hummer (you people had to know I would drive a Hummer) and jumped over to Columbiana Grande for a little matinee action with Angelina Jolie in a flic called “Wanted.”

I had seen the film’s trailer a few times, and since Hancock and the new Batman aren’t out yet, this movie seemed like a good choice to get me out of Sic Willie’s shithouse.

Yeah. Not so much.

Oh sure, “Wanted” started out well enough. Whenever a movie begins with a graphic that refers to mysterious sects that were formed a thousand years ago, I think, “Cool.” We’re gonna get to see some secret rooms, dusty books, bad ass Ninja guys kicking ass in exotic places, and maybe we’ll even learn some ancient secrets along the way.

Throw in the lovely Ms. Jolie, and I thought I was getting ready to watch an instant classic.

Before I get into what ended up being sorry-assed excuse for a movie, though, a word or two about Ms. Jolie is in order.

First of all, I fucking hate Brad Pitt. He’s so damn pretty that he’s bagged Jennifer Aniston and Angelina – in one lifetime. That’s just wrong. Women like that don’t hook up with me and Sic (or should I say me or Sic). They get restraining orders and have their big brothers whip our asses. Brad, however, jumps from one train smoke hot movie babe to another. I hate him. But I digress. Back to Ms. Jolie …

What color are her eyes? Answer: who freaking cares? She’s got the smokiest blue or gray eyes on this or any other planet. Throw in some collagen-filled lips, and only Jessica Alba remains as her rival for sheer facial beauty.

And listen, don’t give me any crap about fake lips. I like my lips like I like my breasts – large and firm. It doesn’t matter to me at all what you have to put in them to get them that way, especially if either of them are touching me.

Angelina may be a little on the thin side (when not carrying a pair of womb-mates around, anyway), but anytime she’s in a movie, you can bet there’s a lot more popping in my lap than just popcorn.

Hell, with eyes and lips like hers, I can even tolerate all of her liberal Hollywood bullshit. Damn people, if Hillary Clinton and Barbara Streisand looked like her, I’d vote for every bleeding heart liberal wussy on the ballot, and that includes the crap that passes for the current Republican party.

Like I said, though “Wanted” starts out just fine. There’s some main character narration to kind of set the stage, and almost immediately, we’ve got a DJ Slick staple – silver screen sex.

There’s just one problem, though – the only thing we get to see in this sex scene is naked man butt. Like I’ve said before, that may be how Sic Willie rolls, but not me. So about now, I’m thinking I might leave, but that’s the trick to this movie (at least in the beginning, anyway) – every time they hit you with something nasty, they pull you back in with something cool.

And so right after “Wanted” paid its unfortunate homage to the Hollywood homo movement, it cuts to a scene of some guy in an office when all of a sudden – THWACK! The receptionist gets a bullet smack in her head.

And we’re off and running …

First, you think the guy is running scared when he heads for the elevator at the end of the hall, but he’s just looking for a runway. I mean the dude takes off down the hall and then leaps out of the window all the way across to another skyscraper, shooting people as he goes while he’s in mid-freaking-air. And scoring headshots no less!

Man was I pumped, and I still hadn’t seen Ms. Jolie yet.

He even throws out a cool line while standing over a bunch of dead bodies and talking smack to his enemy over a cell phone “Never send sheep to kill a wolf.”

Then we meet our main character, a guy named Wesley (played by James MacA-something) who’s got it so bad that his ATM machine even cracks on his ass. After telling him that he has insufficient funds for a withdrawal, the screen adds, “You’re broke, your best friend is fucking your girlfriend, and you’re too big a pussy to do anything about it.”

Kind of makes you want to take a header off the Brooklyn Bridge, huh?

Yet before our reluctant hero can begin his training (in a cool as shit medieval looking castle right in the middle of some major American city, no less) Angelina has to rescue his girlie ass from a would-be assassin.

Here we have the only strength of the movie – amazing action scenes. We’ve got car chases, shit blowing up, cars flipping over and driving away, and one scene where Angelina literally spins the car around to scoop him up through an open door. The only thing missing would be a hot chick lying prone on the hood of a car, right?

Wrong! Don’t ask me how she does it, but Angelina lies across the hood of a moving car and starts shooting at people, all while looking sufficiently “prone.” It may not be how I pictured her doing it last night under my covers, but it works.

Let’s skip ahead through the training scenes. They’re okay, but you’ve seen them in a hundred other movies like this – well, with the exception of the ability to make bullets curve around stuff so they can get to the target. But you sort of saw that in reverse in the Matrix, so whatever.

Fact is, there’s nothing new here, and I was starting to get bored. But like I said before, this movie again interrupts its meandering mediocrity with that occasional bit of brilliance, and this time Angelina provides us with the last truly great scene in this flick.

Oh yeah! No man butt here, baby!

We’ve got Angelina standing up from a healing pool, ass-nekkid.

And Lord what a sight it is to behold! She’s got a perfect ass, and although we get just a brief glimpse, it’s enough to send sales of Viagra and Cialis plummeting for the rest of the summer.

I mean even with tattoos all over her back, I still felt like I had found the holy grail, won the US Open, and hit a walk-off homer for Sic’s little fantasy baseball team all at once. (And by the way, whoever got to paint those fake tats all over Angelina’s body ranks right up there with Brad in my book – lucky turd. I hope he didn’t get paid for that work).

Now, I didn’t know that Angelina was in to bearing ass for movies (and yes I’ve seen Taking Lives ), but I’ve had some time to think about it, and I think I’ve figured out why she did it this time. For one brief moment, we have to throw some props to Brad.

Remember in The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston showed her ass just a little? Well, I think Angelina had to one-up her, and knowing she’s got a much better bootie than Jen, she gave us a little better shot. Man, that Angelina is one cold chick. “Hey Jen, I’m popping your ex, and here’s a longer shot of my ass which is better than yours.” Cool, huh?

Okay, there was about 45 minutes or so left in this movie, but it pretty much sucked after the Angelina butt scene. And I’m not sure how much attention I was paying anyway given that the blood in my body was no longer evenly distributed throughout.

I do remember, though, that Morgan Freeman’s character had a cool office with bookshelves to the ceiling, antiques everywhere, artifacts he probably stole from third-world countries like West Virginia, and a boss fireplace right behind his desk.

Also, the assassin’s bedroom set looked just like you would picture it – if you ever pictured a bedroom set in an assassin’s lair set in the Middle Ages.

And while there was a very predictable but nice little twist to the plot, the climax was just silly (can’t you hear Mrs. Sic Willie saying that?)

So if you don’t want part the movie’s ending ruined for you, stop reading now, because some of it was so stupid, I gotta tell somebody.

Our hero actually straps miniature bombs to hundreds of rats and sends them out among the bad guys. I know what you’re thinking. I couldn’t believe it either. I mean hell, even Wylie Coyote came up with better shit than that. Once those rats started blowing up, this movie was done. Even Morgan Freeman couldn’t save it. As great an actor as he is, the numbnuts who put this debacle together couldn’t even let him give a regal, erudite soliloquy without this ending: “Now shoot this motherfucker.”

Shaft couldn’t have said it any better.

The rest of the ending tries to be clever, but it’s just too dumb to work.  Plus, the same thing has been done in other movies only a lot better.  The writers should have their balls in a vice over this one, and it’s pretty clear that there’s not a strong closer among the production staff.

These asshats need to understand that if you’re going to have a mind-blowing ending, you gotta hit The Sixth Sense standard, and the Wanted crew just didn’t get it done.

Bottom line – this movie blows. If it didn’t have Angelina showing at least some of the Pitt playground, it would have ranked among the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Sure, it had promise, but it never delivered.

It was so bad, I would normally tell you that if you have to see it, catch it on TNT or TBS. But get this one on HBO so you can see the Angelina booty scene. And once she wraps a towel around her perfect ass, turn the damn channel fast.