Log in • Subscribe

DJ Slick Pops Off

By fitsnews • on June 3, 2008

OUR ALPHA MALE MOVIE REVIEWER HAS SOME WORDS FOR MANDE AND THE MANOLO GIRLS

By DJ Slick

FITSNews - June 3, 2008 - Several years ago, there was a lame-assed movie entitled “The Program,” which was about college football and, believe it or not, sucked, despite having the delectable Kristy Swanson as one of its stars.

Of course, since it was filmed at Williams-Brice Stadium, the setting for some of the shittiest football ever played on this planet or any other, it should have sucked. There was, however, one theme in that movie that I can’t get out of my head right now: a senior tailback who secures his starting position during spring drills only to have some hot shot freshman show up in August trying to take his job. Well, that’s about how I feel right now.

And I’m pissed!

After all, Sic Willie himself handpicked me to be the official movie reviewer for his pathetic little blog. It was I who was supposed to sit through these movies, paying my own way and buying my own damn popcorn I might add, and telling the eight of you visiting this site each day exactly what I thought.

Then, Mande Wilkes decided she was ready for the big time and reviewed a movie.

I know, I know. She’s train smoke hot on her worst day and has eyes handcrafted by God himself. She also happens to write like a dream - the kind where Jessica Alba and Rachel McAdams team up on me and leave me all slippery. And just because she is better wielding her pen than I am at wielding my . . . other pen … is of no real consequence at all.

She’s not supposed to be here.

It also doesn’t matter that I wasn’t going to see or review her little movie. Sex and the City is the quintessential chick flick, and unless I’m guaranteed at least two days of non-stop monkey sex, I don’t do chick flicks.

Still, though, doesn’t Ms. Wilkes know who I am? I’m the beginning and the end. The Mac Daddy. The Big Dog on the Porch. I’m DJ “by-God” Slick, and I don’t need Ms. Hottie, I mean Mande, moving in on my turf.

Yet that’s exactly what she’s done. She’s been in my backyard and left steaming piles everywhere.

And it’s not as though Sic needed her to review this movie. I could have done it in seconds …

You don’t believe me? Kim Cattrall - still willing to get naked and looks good doing it. Kristen Davis - SC native who won’t get naked; wish she would. Sarah Jessica Parker - would love to see the tits she won’t show; must supply paper bag. Ugly red-headed lesbian chick - who cares if she gets naked. The rest of this movie is inconsequential and stupid … and there’s your damn review of SATC.

But because Ashley Wilkes or John Wilkes Booth or whatever her name is had to do a full scale review, I now have to go see this crap and review it as well. And whereas I once thought that no amount of cherry coke, popcorn, Bunch-a-Crunch, or oral sex in the backrow could ever make me do it, I’ll be in a local theater soon, swimming in estrogen.

Mande, we could have been friends. I could have taken you under my wing and given you the finer point, er points, of this business. I would have been happy to be Master Yoda to your Princess Leia (yeah, don’t tell me they didn’t hook up).

But you had other ideas. So, here’s the deal, Pilgrim. When I’m done giving the business to SATC, I’ll be back to you. And get this straight, if I can avoid looking at your eyes or reading your cool shit long enough, it won’t look good for you.

Now, somebody please tell me how I can buy tickets to this cinematic hen party without being recognized. God, I hope Kim’s tits are still firm, perky, and somewhere north of her waist. And there had better be some good girl on girl action, damnit!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Despite Mande’s abiding hotness, DJ Slick remains the official movie reviewer for FITSNews.