DJ Slick Reviews “Crystal Skull”
OUR NEW MOVIE CRITIC REVIEWS INDY 4: ALZHEIMER’S EDITION
By DJ Slick
FITSNews – May 27, 2008 – It goes fast … life that is.
One moment, Rachel McAdams is offering to have your babies. The next moment you see Jakie Knotts naked.
That’s how my last few months went, anyway as Sic Willie and the FITS gals had me in the throes of movie bliss …
Was it really possible that Indy would return? Could the greatest action hero of the 1970’s and 80’s emerge in the 21st century to rescue us from Shrek, Tom Cruise in anything, and Harold and Kumar?
Was there ever a greater movie star than Harrison Ford? I mean whose ass hadn’t this guy kicked?
Han Solo was just a bad ass. Think about it. What red-blooded American male didn’t want to go a few rounds with Princess Leia after the bikini scene in Return of the Jedi? Even if you were getting Jabba the Hut’s sloppy seconds.
And who winds up with her in the end? Han freaking Solo!
And just when you thought no man could be cooler (well maybe Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now or James Dean in anything), we met Indiana Jones – that’s Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. to you, Sic Willie.
The guy had coeds wanting to bang him in the archaeology lab, wore a boss hat, and carried a damn whip that he used to stripe whoever the fuck he felt like popping.
He found cool shit in mythical cities, beat the holy hell out of Nazis, and even found a way to be the son of Sean Connery. The man was a God.
And the man who brought him to us – Steven Spielberg – shit, he could film Sic Willie dropping a turd on the side of his toilet and we’d be hanging on the edge of our seats wondering how he got Sic to do that.
Spielberg’s special effects wizardry could put you in another galaxy, have you running from a big ass rock, move you at warp speed, and make you think just for a moment about actually doing a blue chick with four ears. Hell, this guy could make Jean Toal hot.
But alas, nothing lasts forever, so Indy faded from our view and our consciousness for a quarter of a century.
We didn’t know what we were missing or even that we were missing anything at all until the Sic One blew his mighty trumpet and brought forth new light.
A new Indy was opening … on May 22, 2008.
Circled on my calendar, a countdown begun. There would be a second coming.
So, I began my vigil, waiting with great anticipation. I even bought my tickets early, and I never do anything early (memo to certain female acquaintances from the State House lobby – no comment please).
I even got to the theater more than 30 minutes ahead of time and had to endure the crappiest commercials since Arthur Ravenel ran for Governor.
With popcorn in hand along with a $10 cherry coke, I was ready for the ultimate movie experience.
Then, Jakie … I mean Dr. Jones … started to unbutton his shirt.
It just didn’t measure up to the greatness we had enjoyed so long ago.
Let’s start with Indiana’s love interest – the once lovely and sultry Marian Ravenwood. Who doesn’t remember Karen Allen doing shots in the Himalayas and wearing that smoking hot white dress in the Egyptian desert? It wasn’t Princess Leia, but teenage boys across America had their bedroom doors shut the night they saw Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
Some things we don’t need to see, and Karen Allen getting old is at the top of that list. It ain’t good people. You think they trot out Ursula Andress and Maud Adams for 21st century James Bond movies?
Hell no! We get Halle Berry and Denise Richards. Hey Spielberg, how about Jessica Alba getting stripped down by some Aborigenes or some Soviets or even by a tribe of midgets! Indy could do a young chick. I know he could.
Karen’s old, and I don’t want to see her in my movies anymore. Let’s put it this way – my bedroom door was wide open last night, and my hands were where you could see them.
And Indy?! He’s old as hell too. Think Muhammad Ali getting his ass kicked by Larry Holmes. He’s just too damned old to be beating the shit out of wild-ass South American tribesmen, Russian soldiers, or even little old ladies at the rest home. Hell, I think Leon Stavrinakis could take his ass now.
Sure, you’re supposed to suspend belief in movies, but the idea of Harrison Ford clobbering anybody now is as far fetched as championship Gamecock football.
The action scenes aren’t bad, but you kinda expected more in 2008. Maybe the special effects ought to be better 30 years later. The secret passages were cool, but National Treasure’s were better (and the NT chick is train smoke people – I said train smoke – hot).
The climax also proved conclusively that Spielberg has Alzheimers. It’s like he forgot which movie he was making and hit us with Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Part 2.
He actually could have done more with the idea that there were alien visitors and advanced civilizations on earth thousands of years ago, but he got lazy so only a very few educated viewers will have any idea that this movie has some connection with a possible reality.
And to top it all off, Spielberg committed the unpardonable sin. He turned an Indiana Jones movie into a fucking chick flick. You don’t believe me? Then what the hell do you call a movie that ends with a wedding and the happy couple walking down the aisle together?
Spielberg himself deserves an old fashioned, Southern shit-kicking for this. At least a lot of chick flicks I’ve had to go to had some nudity to make up for all the mush. (Actually, there may have been some naked native asses in the South American scenes, but they were all guys so I wasn’t paying a damn bit of attention. Ask Sic Willie. He notices naked man butts more than I do).
One bright spot – Shia LaBoeuf may have the gayest name in Hollywood, but he’s a decent actor. This isn’t Transformers (all hail a true classic), but he gets by pretty well. Of course, it’s no surprise that he’s Indy’s son that he knew nothing about. (Yeah I know I’m not supposed to tell one of the
movie’s plot twists, but if you don’t figure this one out in minute one, here’s your University of South Carolina diploma).
So it’s the end of Harrison Ford. Of course, if we had only been willing to see, all of us would have known the end had already come. Sure, he worked through some decent efforts as Tom Clancy’s all-American everyman hero, Jack Ryan, and he did get an up close and personal view of the bare tits of a svelte
Kelly McGillis in Witness, but the writing was on the wall.
I mean he actually co-starred in a chick flick with Anne Heche, a woman, hell a human, actually willing to admit to having sex with Ellen DeGeneres.
Maybe Harrison’s been watching his own movies and knew he had some ’splaining to do to all of us.
This movie, so eagerly anticipated, so sorely needed, falls short.
As Sic told you earlier, it’s like undressing Jessica Alba and finding Cheryl Tiegs, version 65.0.
It’s still Indiana Jones, but its old, tired, and worn around the edges.
Now, the previews for Will Smith’s Hancock are a different story altogether …
DJ Slick is the only known heterosexual movie reviewer we’ve ever met. He likes “naked women, superheroes, fire trucks, aliens tanks and shit getting blown up” in his movies. He does not tolerate male nudity and Kevin Costner, and believes that Die Hard is the “coolest movie not starring Brando, Bogart, Dean, Reagan or John Wayne.”
Comments
By Tyler on May 29th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Indiana Jones is one of the best movies ever made and no matter how old Harrison Ford is, the franchise will always be golden. The problem with this movie was “aliens”. Aliens? Indy doesn’t have aliens. Sure the searching and adventure was good, but the ending kind of threw me off. Shia Labeouf’s character really brings the youth into the movie and he made the movie twice as good with his greaser attitude. I give any movie with the words “Indiana” and “Jones” five stars out of five stars!
By Lynn Angela Pisco on June 21st, 2008 at 12:41 am
I think Karen Allen is an amazing female action icon . Everything that she does whether if it’s doing these action scenes while playing Marion Ravenwood character again was absolutely neat on how she can become much older and wiser than Harrison Ford as Indy and putting Shia Lebeouf playing as Marion’s son which is obviously Indy’s as well until she revealed as a secret that she kept from all of these years . And playing the bad girl Cate B. into this story was totally amazing on how she can do the accent of a Russian Evil Science character like that . Here are some of my favorite scenes from Indiana Jones 4 installment : when Marion, Mutt, Oxley and Indy were running from these Russians, heading towards into the quick sand and Marion herself told Indy her secret that she had already kept from all these years about her son which is actually Indy’s of course and his name is actually Henry Williams Jones Jr. III and they started to continue arguing while they were inside the truck trying to have a plan to excaped and they did . Driving shot gun in front of the truck was Karen’s idea to take control of certain situations and I think she did a awesome job to drive then another vehicle which is actually kinda like a boat when she started to drive it full throttle towards into the edge and going into the water rapids and then drop three times while Indy gave her directions of turns and says : don’t you ever do that again . She said with a smile : yes, dear . I’m mean talk about this woman who can take charge of the brand new Marion Raven wood like that come on now . Also there was when they have to run down these difficult big giant steps going into the cave like this was totally amazed on how Karen Allen was able to do all of her own stunts work with out using another stunt double person to help Marion’s character like that . I think with enough energy and full confidence within herself Karen Allen is out a doubt a very spirited person with a good heart to play such an outstanding character who can do whatever it takes to risk it all and maybe perhaps if there’s going to be another Indy part 5 in the works and Mutt will do whatever it takes to make sure his mom and dad are completely saved by another adventure, like enjoying their own honey moon somewhere in China or whatever it is , I think we should see how Marion Raven wood have her own fight scene once in a while like about against a much evil Asian woman who is actually a martial artist herself just hanging at a night club some where in Tokyo, Japan just enjoying herself with Indy and all of a sudden he was caught up with this woman that Marion doesn’t even like the way she is flirting with him and told her to back off honey what do you think you’re doing with my husband don’ t you know he’s married and she says: excuse me I’m not trying to seduce him lady all that I want is just to talk to your husband about something else like business if you don’t mind and Indy himself says : it’s o.k. Marion just chill over there with our son who is there dancing with somebody else onto the floor , I’ll handle this myself . Marion says; No honey I really don’t like her attitude at all and if you wouldn’t mind keep your hands off my husband got it ( Indy is trying to control her temper and backing her off ) Woman says : Listen here lady I don’t know who you are but if you want to get physical why not taking it somewhere else like do you think you got what it takes to be in battle I say let’s do this . Marion says; Hey if you’re willing to take a challenge against me go right ahead let’s see exactly what you are made of outside . And then both Mutt and Indy were stunned on how Marion Raven wood would actually handle herself in a fight scene against this other woman who is a trained martial artist herself no doubt come on now . Something like this would actually work though if Karen Allen should do some of her physical training of learning how to do martial arts and kick boxing as well as Marion Raven wood could provide a more surprising element onto another Indy 5 film .
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