Moves & Myths

ALL THE FITS THAT’S NEWS TO PRINT

FITSNews – March 22, 2008 – As hard as it is to believe, from time to time we actually do grow a conscience around here. It doesn’t happen that often, it never lasts for that long, and generally a quick look in the mirror is all it takes to remind us of our own infallibility … as well as our limitless sex appeal.

We started this website a little over a year ago as a way to have some fun, express our opinions and occasionally break some political news that the mainstream press was ignoring.

In case you’re new to FITSNews, we do all of the above. We also cover celebrity gossip (editor’s note: because we can’t get enough of it ) as well as our founding editor’s fantasy baseball team (because he makes us).

There’s honestly never been a set formula to anything we do, nor is there one today. As we told a reporter friend of ours the other night, we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. Which we think this post capably demonstrates.

Yet given the dramatic increases in our daily traffic over the last few months, the ramped-up attacks on our boss, and the coming of what is sure to be a contentious 2008 election season, we figured a lazy Saturday afternoon before Easter was as good a time as any to lay a few things on the line. Sure, it won’t stop people from saying whatever the hell they want to say about us, but we’re used to that by now. So without further adieu, here’s the deal …

THIS IS AN OPINION WEBSITE

In case our “Unfair, Imbalanced” slogan didn’t give it away, we’re not trying to be impartial in our coverage. Sometimes it happens, but it’s usually by accident. We have strong opinions, we’re not afraid of dishing them out and we can take the heat that comes with sharing them. We break big stories, sure, but we don’t have any obligation to refrain from editorializing in those stories. Which makes us like any mainstream media news columnist. Except of course that we’re smarter, better-looking and never wrong.

WE’RE NOT GOING TO STOP POSTING BOOBIES

Nor are we going to stop making fun of fat people. The last time we checked, this was our website, not yours, so friggin’ deal with it or go someplace else.

SIC WILLIE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR ADS

The creative genius behind FITSNews can’t count, people. And when we say he “can’t count,” we’re actually being kind. The boy seriously has some sort of synaptic disease in his head that turns numbers like “5″ or “8″ into question marks and smiley faces, all of which makes him about as effective at managing our business as a blind convenience store attendant. If you want to talk smack about something you see on the website, e-mail here. If you want to talk turkey, e-mail here. Those are two totally different worlds, and unlike that INXS song, they’re not colliding.

SIC WILLIE WON’T BE RUNNING ANYBODY’S CAMPAIGN … EVER

Since the publication of a certain memo, everybody seems to think our founding editor is the mastermind of some nefarious conspiracy to oust incumbent legislators. That’s true, of course, but he does it because he wants to, not because anybody’s paying him to do it. In fact, having worked on several political campaigns before becoming richer than God, we can attest that it doesn’t pay well, the people you meet are all annoying, the hours suck and nothing you do really matters.

SIC DOESN’T WORK FOR THE GOVERNOR

Nor does he work for Reform SC, Carolinians for Change, Carolinans for Reform, Club for Growth, SCRG or any of the groups we’re frequently accused of shilling for. Again, we believe in things like school choice, tax cuts, revenue caps and government efficiency because they make good common sense, not because anybody tells us we have to. People have gone through our trash and hired private investigators trying to prove otherwise, but Sic Willie made his money the old-fashioned way – by providing dozens of Hollywood starlets with lesbian-quality oral. Ask around, people. He’s that good.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT

With the exception of former Spartanburg Herald-Journal reporter Baker Maultsby – whom we’ve outed twice now – we don’t give up who our commenters are. So unless your name is Baker Maultsby, knock yourself out on our comment board. In fact, unless you’re incredibly stupid you’ve probably realized by now that you can type in any name, any e-mail address and any web address into our comment fields and we’ll never know who you are! Of course we do know who Sic Willie’s super secret stalker is, but we’re keeping that to ourselves …

FINALLY …

With so many elections coming up this summer and fall, there’s a good chance your computers, telephones, mailboxes and TV’s are going to get incredibly sick of politics. We don’t blame them, and hell, we’ll probably be part of the deluge. Just remember this, though – try to focus on what matters. And whether it’s this website or that TV ad, this robotic-sounding telephone call or that newspaper article, this blog post or that glossy photo of some doofus candidate (with his fat wife and ugly kids), our advice is to take it all with an ocean of salt. If you care enough, check it out …

As our guitar hero Billy Corgan once said, “not everything you read is the truth.”

Unless, of course, you read it here …

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