BURN, BABY, BURN
FITSNews – March 3, 2008 – Apparently one of our newest advertisers has something to do with South Carolina’s cigarette tax debate, which is news to us since all of our advertising is handled by somebody who has absolutely nothing to do with the editorial content of this site. Someone with a brain. Seriously, people, the only involvement Sic Willie has in our advertising efforts is his ongoing sexual harrassment of the smokin’ hot Atlanta-based ad babe who’s managing our account. R-r-r-rawwwwr and R-r-r-rawwwwr, baby!
Anyway, we could honestly care less what the cigarette tax is in South Carolina. Seven cents (our current tax, which is the nation’s lowest), seventeen cents, seventy cents, seventy kabillion cents … whatever. We’re rich and we can afford to pay it, and on top of that we know plenty of smugglers, which is no doubt why the dozen or so people who have tried to get us interested in this debate have ended up watching us doze off and drool on their fancy office furniture.
Having said that, we thought it was kinda funny that La Socialista‘s massive front-page story this morning was all about “exposing” the “stealth move” of one particular cigarette company that’s trying to keep lawmakers from – gasp – raising the cigarette tax. Seriously? Big Tobacco is following the cigarette tax debate? Hell, we thought they gave our House Speaker all that money because he’s so damn affable, people. And because he has such a nice butt.
Look, La Socialista wants to raise the cigarette tax, people. We get it. In fact, our guess is if you put all the different South Carolina taxes on a dartboard, blindfolded yourself, and threw a dart at the board, you would probably end up hitting a tax that La Socialista wants to raise. Even if you missed the dartboard completely and hit the wall, La Socialista wants to raise taxes on that, too. That’s why they’re called La Socialista, people. They’re f—ing communists.
Frankly, we think smoking is stupid. We only do it (err … used to do it) because movie people have conditioned us to think it’s sexy. And we really, really, really want to be just like movie people one day.
But since poor people (most of whom are also ugly) will never be like movie people, why not make them pay more for ciggies in the hopes they’ll eventually kick the habit. While we’re at it, we’re also in favor of cramming as much cash as possible into the pockets of those socially-conscious health care and insurance providers so they can continue building hospitals that look like cathedrals and charging us seventy kabillion dollars a month for a “comprehensive plan” that in reality provides about as much coverage as one of Nicolette Sheridan’s vacation thongs.
Pre-existing conditions? Yeah … good luck with all that.
Anyway, we’ve pulled together a bunch of information on this debate and we’ll be publishing our (serious) take on it soon, but in the meantime we’ve yet to see anything that distinguishes the cigarette tax debate from any other debate currently taking place in South Carolina State Government – which is to say it’s one group of rich white people fighting another group of rich white people for the votes of a bunch of short-sighted, inbred politicians whose only concern is getting their hands on the money in your pocket.
One way or the other, somebody’s gonna get it.
