Morning Bland(er)

SO MANY TIDBITS, SO LITTLE TIME

FITSNews – February 21, 2008 – You know, our PR girl keeps telling us we should do segments like these every morning, to which we can only say a) shut up, b) we’re lazy, and c) if you like ‘em so damn much, why don’t you get your happy ass up at the ass-crack of dawn and write them yourself?

Geez, sorry … is it obvious we haven’t had any coffee yet this morning or what? Of course our PR girl is incredibly hot, so she’s forgiven. Anyway, here’s a random morning smattering of random SC political stuff …

EGG-TOOTH, THE MAGICIAN – It’s funny that a guy who’s made billions of your tax dollars disappear since becoming House Ways & Means Chairman three years ago would dare to claim he’s “not a magician,” but that’s exactly what The Egg-Tooth told the Associated Press yesterday in this article. It’s also ironic that the same morons who blew a billion dollars in new money over the last four years to preserve the nation’s worst education system are the only people getting more money in this year’s budget – $182 million, to be precise. Of course it is South Carolina, where rewarding incompetence for decades on end is pretty much par for the course.

WHIPPER-SNAPPER – Let’s be honest, S.C. Rep. Seth Whipper isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, we spent about an hour listening to him talk yesterday and our IQ dropped 40 points – and that was just in the five minutes we were actually paying attention to what he was saying. Anyway, despite being about as intelligent as a street sign, Whipper had no problem cutting to the chase over a new voting bill that could affect the number of political parties individual office-seekers can represent on the ballot. When confronted with the possibility that running on 800 different tickets might keep certain straight-ticket voters from punching his number, Whipper offered this mathematically-sophisticated statesmanship:

“Well, that means I lose a vote, and I need to not lose a vote,” he said. “I’m just concerned that I’d lose a vote. That’s all I’m really concerned about.”

MAHAFFEY’S OUT – Spartanburg Rep. Joe Mahaffey will not seek reelection this year, sources tell FITSNews, an interesting decision considering the fact that he scooped up all of his opponent’s Internet addresses just two months ago. We’d write more about this latest casualty of the GOP Civil War except it would require us to get off the subject of cybersquatting, which we keep hearing is as much fun as it sounds.

WE ARE “INTERNET REPORT” – Have you ever noticed how the assholes over at La Socialista (a.k.a. The State newspaper) pick up our stories all the time but never give us any credit? Or when they do, it all goes to our resident egomaniac? Anyway, that didn’t exactly happen this morning, but La Socialista’s sports page did reference our post yesterday about S.C. Supreme Court Justice Jean Toal working it (editor’s note: bow-chicka-bow) with the USC Board of Trustees on behalf of embattled women’s basketball coach Susan Walvius.

We were referenced in the article as “an Internet report,” which is as sexy and glamorous as it sounds, people. Toal of course denied any wrongdoing, which is a response she might as well have on auto-record these days over at the scandal-plagued South Carolina Supreme Inquisition.

WE MISSED ONE – You may recall our recent “Who’s Hot At The State House” list, which is basically our annual tribute to the objectification of women (and sadly men also).

Well, it turns out we missed one – like, by several miles. Her name is “Scotty.” No wait, maybe she said it was “Charlie.” Hell, we can’t remember. It was one of those AC/DC names that can be either male or female, yet somehow it still manages to sound hot when you say it. We were also a little distracted because we were staring at … um … Anyway, Aye Cabana Boy! Aye Yi Yareeba! We’re talking “train smoke” hot here, people. And while we’d love to tell you who she is and where she works, Sic has forbidden us from doing so because he plans on “pitching a tent.” Literally. He’s even got rechargeable batteries and ready-to-eat meals.

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