Primary Corn-Feds, Curmudgeons & Cretins
SHOULD IOWA, NEW HAMPSHIRE AND SOUTH CAROLINA HOLD THE KEYS TO THE AMERICAN KINGDOM?
FITSNews - January 1, 2008 - Over the next two-and-a-half weeks, a bunch of corn-fed Iowa honkeys, curmudgeony New Hampshire Yankees and barely-literate, redneck cretins right here in South Carolina will exercise their quadrennial right to disproportionately influence the rest of the nation’s presidential choices.
We’ve touched on this in the past, but how f*cked up is it that these three screwball states get to enjoy this kind of clout? Since when did it become a good idea to entrust the future of the free world to people who care about ethanol, people who care about alcohol and people who can’t spell ethanol or alcohol.
Seriously, we might as well select our presidential nominees by letting a bunch of multi-accented inbreds play “spin the corn husk” to the soothing sounds of the Marshall Tucker Band, all while nursing a raging hangover, warding off frostbite and adjusting the tin foil under their Davey Crockett caps.
New Hampshire, to be fair, is a little “better off” than its two early-voting sisters, considering the state doesn’t have an income tax and has fended off the collapse of its textile industry by attracting high-paying, high-tech jobs and what not.
Course ‘dey ain’t gots no corn up yonder and ‘dere girls ain’t ‘dat purty ta look ats.
And let’s just say New Hampshire’s breathalizer would probably land it directly in the pokey, whereas Iowa and South Carolina might be able to pass a field sobriety test, provided the police officer used small words and spoke very, very slowly.
Seriously, people living in places like Atlanta, Boston, Buffalo, Charlotte, Kansas City or Minneapolis have to be scratching their heads right about now. Not to mention folks in Mississippi and West Virginia, who are no doubt wondering how much more corn-fed, drunk and ass-backward they need to become in order to play a pivotal role in selecting the next leader of the free world.
But hey, the process works pretty good, right?
After all, we got eight years of a president with brains but no morals followed by eight years of a president with morals but no brains. That’s balanced, ain’t it?
Bush, Clinton, Bush … Clinton? Hell, this might as well be a multiple choice exam administered with No. 2 pencils.
Don’t get us wrong, we love South Carolina. In fact, we’ve been trying to fix its broke (in more ways than one) ass for years now. And we’re sure the lily-white Iowans and New Hampshirites are decent people, too.
Having said that, with the exception of the college football postseason, we honestly can’t think of a system in direr need of a shake-up than the way we elect our presidents.
In all seriousness, why not give Georgia, Minnesota or Rhode Island a chance? Or North Carolina, Missouri and Delaware, for that matter?
Change is good, people, and like so many other things in politics, long overdue.
Because until the “powers that be” decide to mix it up a bit, America will remain the equivalent of a passenger stuck in a flex-fuel vehicle with a drunk driver and a navigator who can’t read.
Comments
By Harden Gervais on January 1st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Flex-fuel car? Drunk driver? Illiterate navigator? Sounds like my New Year’s Eve.
By joe on January 1st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
will,
i am continually amazed at your disdain for your home state. vote with your feet and leave, chop!
By fitsnews on January 1st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
“Chop” is so, we don’t know, PG-13 or something. Why don’t you tell us how you really feel, Joe?
You know, we say stuff like this about South Carolina for three simple reasons:
1- It’s funny
2- It’s true
3- It’s our way of illustrating the need for long-overdue change …
If you want to be told “everything in SC is fine, we just need to spend a few billion dollars more on government,” feel free to check out La Socialista’s editorial page.
In the meantime, we were born here, raised here and Lord willin’ll die here, saying whatever pops into our cabezas every step of the way.
-FITSNews
By Palmetto Mouse Jockey on January 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 am
You’re almost right. Iowa and New Hampshire should be eliminated from the process. Everybody in the US should just ask us who the candidates are and we’ll let ‘em know when we’re good and ready. Now crank up the Marshall Tucker Band.