Somebody’s Going Straight To Hell

RIPPING OFF CHILDREN’S TOYS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS?

FITSNews – December 18, 2007 - According to the Town Crier (a.k.a. the incessant e-blasts of Columbia, S.C. perma-candidate Joe Azar), somebody broke into the local “Learning Express” in Irmo, S.C. two nights ago and ripped off a bunch of toys and gifts that were destined for poor kids this Christmas. The Learning Express, which had partnered with the local FOX TV station to collect the items, was forced to cancel its “Giving Joy With Toys” event as a result of the break-in. Which means that right now poor kids are crying, people.

Given that this news came to us from Columbia’s equivalent of the “Village Idiot,” we were initially a bit skeptical of its legitimacy. Of course that was before our founding editor Sic Willie stared longingly into the eyes of local FOX anchor Arielle Riposta for several hours. Aye Cabana Boy, people! Now we’re believers!

Anyway, FOX is asking good-hearted, non-toy stealing South Carolinians like you to chip in and help replenish their stash. Tax-deductible donations of $50 or more are being collected by WACH-TV 57, and the checks can be made out to “Children’s Garden,” which is the shelter the toys were originally destined for. We hope you’ll consider pitching in and helping these kids out. Somebody literally stole their Christmas, and helping give it back to them is an eminently worthy cause. In fact, it’s almost as worthy as helping Sic impress all the local FOX babes with his benevolence.

UPDATE – According to the local FOX station and the cops who investigated the break-in, the grinches who masterminded this heist evidently stole money, not toys. Of course that doesn’t change the true “takeaway” of this story, which is that Sic Willie is a sexy beast whose selfless philanthropy ranks among the world’s most potent aphrodisiacs. Right alongside his ripped abs and dark brown eyes, baby!

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