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Come To Butthead

WE ARE OFFICIALLY KICKING OURSELVES NOW FOR NOT ATTENDING OPRAHBAMARAMA

FITSNews - December 11, 2007 - In what has obviously turned out to be the worst editorial decision in FITSNews‘ brief history (our one year anniversary is this Sunday, people), Sic Willie and the FITS gals foolishly declined an invitation to join our mainstream media colleagues for Sunday’s Oprahbamarama at Columbia’s Williams-Brice Stadium.

Our flawed logic for passing on this event-a-palooza was two-fold. First of all, the memories of South Carolina’s ridiculously sh*tty football season still linger far too intensely within our crestfallen breasteses to even contemplate revisiting the epicenter of our woe. Second of all we’re pretty sure Oprah has six toes … or at least a really big bunyon. Which is frightening.

Anyway, in spite of all that, Sic in particular is kicking himself for missing the event because it turns out his future wife (pictured above) was in attendance, working on Yo-bama’s campaign staff. And even though our favorite bad boy has no idea what her name is at the moment, it might as well be Mrs. Sic Willie - especially once she experiences his rugged good looks, sparkling wit, selfless humility and legendary emotional availability firsthand.

In fact, rumor has it that when mystery girl’s picture first arrived in the FITSNews mailbox, the clouds above Columbia parted, God granted his blessing on the union by releasing a single white dove from heaven and Paul Bates emerged from Sic Willie’s kitchen to sing “She’s Your Queen To Be.”

UPDATE - Sic has officially decreed that we are to cover every Obama event from here on out and praise whatever comes out of his mouth effusively, if not immodestly. He has also asked his fellow South Carolinians to refrain from letting Miss Mystery know about his considerable wealth and power for the moment, preferring that she fall in love with him as a humble goat herder first.

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