Did Hell Just Freeze Over? November 29, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, US Politics , 1 comment so far
CLYBURN SAYS HE SUPPORTS EDUCATION TAX CREDITS
FITSNews - November 29, 2007 - Democratic Majority Whip Jim Clyburn, who up to this point in his political career hasn’t recognized good ideas even when they bit him square on the ass, shocked the hell out of us in a fundraising e-mail earlier this month by saying he supports “tax credits for middle class families.” Surely he didn’t mean education tax credits, we thought, because everybody knows those have been branded as the Great Satan by all of Clyburn’s buddies in the education establishment.
The reference was included in a fundraising e-mail supporting the Democrats for Education Reform, and every other reference in the message was about education, but seriously, this had to be a typo …. Jim Clyburn? Supporting something that makes this much sense?
We checked it out with Clyburn’s peeps and were shocked to hear that the Congressman “specifically endorsed education tax credits at the event.”
Unfortunately, at that point we felt a tightness in our chests and had to discontinue the interview … we’re better now, but sadly no more Hardee’s hash rounds in the morning for us.
UDPATE - Check out this article from Matthew Ladner over at the Goldwater Institute for more on what Clyburn’s declaration means. And when you’re done with that, check out the group’s president, Darcy Olsen. Aye Cabana Boy, people!
Chillin’ At Da Compound November 28, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Satire , 2 comments
IT’S GETTING A LITTLE HOT FOR THE BRANCH SIC WILLIANS
FITSNews - November 28, 2007 - Since absolutely nothing is happening today we decided we’d make up a story about a radical, albeit technically non-existent cult called the Branch Sic Willians who built themselves a compound in the middle of rural Anderson County where everybody just sat around and got sarcastically kooky until the Feds came and, um, smoked them all out. Then we figured that making fun of people dying - even if they were all batsh*t crazy - probably isn’t nice. So here’s some real news instead …
GREENPEACE V. NINTENDO - The environmentalists are suing the video game makers over not properly disposing of thier empty cartridges or something. Yeah, we don’t know either. This is interesting to us only because a) absolutely nothing is happening today and b) it’s sort of fun to imagine a bunch of smelly hippies stepping into the ring against a phalanx of short, hyperactive Japanese executives. It also gives us an opportunity to revive our famous Nintendo No GameBoy post.
OJ SAYS HE DIDN’T DO IT … AGAIN - Whatever. “Juice did that sh*t.” In fact, whoever is prosecuting Simpson on these latest charges - which stem from the recent armed robbery of some sports memorabilia dudes in Las Vegas - let’s just say this is the most gift-wrapped case they’re ever going to see. After “not” murdering his ex-wife and another man back in 1994 (and then playing a lot of golf), OJ should’ve known that a simple jaywalk meant he was pretty much screwed. In fact, OJ could have been videotaped dispensing needed food and medicine to third world babies in the middle of Africa surrounded by a million witnesses at the time of this “alleged” robbery and if we were on the jury his ass would still be headed to the gas chamber.
THEY’RE RIOTING IN FRANCE - Seriously? We’re actually writing about this? Did we mention absolutely nothing is happening today? Usually we confine our riot coverage to stories about effeminate-looking Russians hatin’ on gay people (that’s actually our Christmas card this year), but for the moment we forgot that the sort of hot socialist who recently ran for President in France actually lost her race. Which sucks, because as it turns out some white guy branding the rioting as “unacceptable” isn’t remotely interesting. A hot socialist chick branding the rioting as “unacceptable,” on the other hand, is very interesting.
Fortunately, we’ve got a couple of kick ass breaking news stories to post over the next two days that will make all the ADD nonsense you just suffered through worthwhile. That is if they don’t burn down our compound first.
Kirk Herbstreit Is Pessimistic
Posted by fitsnews in : Sports , 7 comments
ESPN ANALYST “JUST SAYS NO” TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF
FITSNews - November 28, 2007 - Believe it or not, there’s actually something more ass-backward than South Carolina politics. It’s called the college football postseason, which is unique among postseasons in organized sports because it doesn’t actually settle the elemental competitive question of “who’s #1″ with actual competition, instead choosing politics and crazy algorithms to produce its national championship game. Monkeys and abacuses, people, monkeys and abacuses.
Of course unlike South Carolina, the status quo backers in the world of big-time college football (including ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit) are actually presiding over a financially successful endeavor as opposed to a bunch of unemployed, illiterate backwoods bumpkins. Which we guess is one reason why they’d rather not change things and institute a college football playoff system, which is favored by nearly 80% of the fans.
Anyway, Herbstreit was on ESPN this morning giving the notion of a CFB playoff the old “never happen,” while at the same time defending the integrity of the current system, which is once again under fire for failing to give the people what they want - and the coaches and players what they deserve. (more…)
Sanford Shouldn’t Get Credit For Port Deal
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 1 comment so far
GOVERNOR HAS DRAGGED HIS FEET ON FREE MARKET EXPANSION
FITSNews - November 28, 2007 - Proving once again that it doesn’t know its ass from its elbow when it comes to pretty much everything, La Socialista’s editorial board heaped a ton of praise on S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford over the weekend in this editorial about the Jasper County port project. From the excessive fawning:
Now, thanks to leadership from two governors, (the Jasper Port looks) hopeful. Gov. Mark Sanford and Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue agreed to launch a six-person panel to thrash out how the states could get the ball rolling, instead of fighting. Their plan, announced Nov. 9, spells out the way forward. A Joint Project Office will oversee the project’s progress, eventually a joint ports authority will own the port, and the two states will stop squabbling in court over the land and instead pursue the necessary permits from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. Make no mistake this bi-state compact is a great deal for South Carolina because it limits the involvement of our ass-backward State Ports Authority, which has been getting its ass kicked by the competition for years thanks to its strict adherance to the communist business model. (more…)
S.C. Flags Made In … Georgia? WTF?
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 1 comment so far
AND THERE ARE SOUTH CAROLINA COMPANIES THAT CAN DO IT CHEAPER
FITSNews - November 28, 2007 - After signing up like the rest of the unwashed masses and patiently waiting five hundred eighty kabillion years to get to the top of the list, the FITS gals were finally presented with our official S.C. State Flag yesterday - you know, one of those state flags that supposedly flew over the Capitol building.
Of course, we know the exact location in the S.C. State House where these flags are flown from (and it ain’t the top of the dome, people), but what really chapped our remarkably-firm asses was something else. Believe it or not, the official flags of the State of South Carolina don’t even come from South Carolina … they’re made in Georgia, people.
As anti-Georgites we were obviously quite miffed to learn this, but after listening to a little Bruce Springsteen and settling down over some foot massages and peppermint mochas, we started digging around a bit. And what we uncovered is that there are several South Carolina-based flag companies - all of which use 100% “Made in the USA” materials, incidentally - that could not only service our state’s vexillological needs, but could beat the Georgia company’s price to boot. One of them was Lane MFG, LLC, which has actually consolidated all of its manufacturing facilities here in South Carolina.
You know, sometimes people don’t realize how truly heroic we are. In fact, we had to swim through a sea of electric eels (with a state flag in tow, no less) just to bring you this information. (more…)
Tom Cruise Has An Egg-Tooth, Too? November 27, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture , 2 comments
WE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA …
FITSNews - November 27, 2007 - If you’re new to our little website, one of our favorite political villains of all-time is S.C. Representative Dan “Egg-tooth” Cooper. An evolutionary-challenged dweller in The Land That Time Forgot, Cooper is a bit of a glarer, not to mention somebody who goes through your tax dollars faster than Barry Bonds goes through butt syringes.
Anyway, it appears that Cooper’s budding film career (editor’s note: click the link and watch closely for the pink house dress) has, um, “spawned” some comparisons to famous actor/alien Tom Cruise.
Perhaps the fact that both of them sport a fully-functioning Egg-tooth has something to do with it …
If you’re not already salivating at the girl in the post just beneath this one, you can see more of Cooper and his talented tooth in this video …
Hookers For Ron Paul
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 6 comments
NEVADA HOES PIMPIN’ IT OUT FOR TEXAS CONGRESSMAN
FITSNews - November 27, 2007 - We knew GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul had a volunteer stripper, but according to the Reno Gazette-Journal you can “look as well as touch” when it comes to showing your support for the Texas Congressman’s unconventional campaign. From the RGJ story:
It should be no surprise that the presidential candidate with the purest libertarian bona fides picked up some X-rated support while campaigning in Reno last week. To be more explicit, Nevada brothel owner Dennis Hof declared his support for Republican contender Ron Paul during Paul’s campaign swing through the state.
Mr. Hof went on to reveal that he would be actively engaging his prostitutes in Paul’s fundraising efforts, saying, “I’ll get all the Bunnies together, and we can raise him some money. I’ll put up a collection box outside the door. They can drop in $1 dollar, $5 dollar contributions.”
Wow. If this isn’t the beginning of a John Cougar Mellancamp song, we don’t know what is. Sadly, we couldn’t share our joy over this particular slice of Americana with Sic Willie, who apparently saw the story when it was originally published on Sunday and promptly hopped a plane to Reno.
