Obviously it would be awesome if we didn’t have to do that sort of thing, but it would also be awesome if we lived in a land of dancing candy canes and butterscotch meadows and it rained gumdrops every day at noon, and we all rode ponies to work at the fun toy party factory. But hey, guess what…

I did a scientific study and discovered that the number one key to being less annoying is to have big boobs. And you can’t argue with science. I used test tubes and everything.

Now she looks like a robot from the future. Right after these pictures she probably ate a fern and pulled a car door off it’s hinges. Because that’s the kind of mistake robots from the future will make. Because they don’t understand love. And that’s how were gonna catch ‘em, my friends.

The last time I saw a 40-year-old topless I threw up and crashed my car. Although to be fair, I was also bench pressing 300 pounds at the time and nursing a sick kitten back to health. And did I mention the car was a Ferrari? I’m just saying, ladies.

I think it’s written into the U.S. Constitution. Right under the part about my arms being lethal killing machines and my eyes being pools of intrigue.

Jessica Alba is single, which means I’m on the prowl! Like a tiger! A tiger with a fake badge and cop uniform, telling her she needs to come with me. “You’ve got the right to remain satisfied, baby!”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a natural beauty who was a high school letterman in “Push-Ups” and “Kissing”, yet I still find time to bring handicapped orphans white water rafting every weekend. I’m amazing!

I can’t be the only one getting super turned on right now. She’s so sexy, so alluring. She’s leading this trip to the ocean, and leading me on a mysterious journey to intrigue, where desire leads to obsession, obsession leads to madness, and the heart becomes a weapon. Rated R.

When I want revenge, I harness the secret powers of the Orient that made my hands a weapon, forged from steel and vengeance.

Because it’s all about money to these Hollywood people. So sad. That’s one of the reasons I walked away from modeling.

I would feel weird about having sex with someone named Rose. I would feel like I stumbled across an old person unconscious on the kitchen floor and I was taking advantage of them.

Is this a bad idea? Yes, almost definitely, I think it is. Of course, I’m a rare genius who went to a fancy northeast college, but my immeasurable brilliance made class boring and I rarely ever went, instead becoming a campus legend with my irreverent personality and wacky antics.

Unfortunately that denial doesn’t address what the NE and Star said. They said she was back home too. They also said a house was just a building, but a home is filled with love. Oh Star, always so sentimental.

That and also because most clubs wont let me in anymore because the fire marshal has declared my sexy moves on the dance floor to be a fire hazard. I call this one the “rump luva”.

So, why would Pitt have a tattoo of an unfrozen iceman? It’s hard to say. Is it cooler than my tattoo of Garfield? Obviously not. That cat sure does hate Mondays!

Wow, this dude is punchin kitty left and right. I’m all man but even I need a break every now and then.

I wouldn’t know what that’s like because I’ve got these long dancers legs and I’m very graceful. In fact, the other day I was walking down the street and people cleared a path and then broke into applause because my movement was so lithe and beautiful. One girl even cried.

Well, hitting yourself in the head with a frying pan is free, punching a tiger in his balls is free, I can afford to do that but that doesn’t make it a good fuckin idea.

Couldn’t resist posting “The Biggest Loser” comment.