AMERICA’S BEST WEBSITE KEEPS IT REAL
FITSNews – November 15, 2007 – People are always asking us what our favorite website is, which we like to use as our daily reminder of how retarded people really are, because it’s obviously FITSNews. Duh. You mongoloids. Yet as much as we hate to admit it, the secret truth is that we don’t like ourselves that much. Call it low self-esteem, but when it comes to the greatest websites in America, the Harry Caray sound effects page has us beat hands down. But even its collection of poignant, decades-old sound clips from a deceased baseball announcer can’t compete with our actual all-time favorite website, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, a.k.a. WWTDD.
Here’s a quote from a recent WWTDD article discussing Paris Hilton’s inability to put on lipstick:
I’ve never worn lipstick (in this country), but I like to imagine I could figure out how it’s done. I wouldn’t look at the directions because I’m pretty confident I can guess what they would say. Step 1. Put lipstick on lips. Step 2. Ta-da! This is all news to Paris Hilton apparently, who showed up in Seoul, Korea with lipstick smeared all over her teeth like she did it while riding a pogo stick on ice. To be fair, Paris Hilton is a f*cking retard, and the fact that she can even cross the room without setting herself on fire is an accomplishment on par with the artificial heart.
And here’s one from a recent post on singer John Mayer:
John Mayer sings faggity songs, but he’s banged Jessica Simpson and he has tons of money, so who’s laughing now. Iâ€™m gonna go out on a limb and guess he doesn’t care if I think he sings faggity songs.
You can read more of Tyler’s genius right here, and even though our new PR agent tells us we’re not supposed to encourage people to click away from our website, what the hell does she really know anyway? Sic Willie has told her like eleventy kabillion times that he likes his coffee the same way he likes his women, yet every day there’s cream and sugar in there. Seriously, what part of “black and strong” is so hard to understand?