It’s My Nick In A Box
THAT PACKAGE IS A LITTLE BIG FOR ITS CONTENTS, THOUGH
FITSNews – November 5, 2007 – If you’re anything like us, the only positive energy Justin Timberlake has ever created in your universe is the riotously-funny “Dick In A Box” skit from his Saturday Night Live appearance last Christmas. If you’re among the five people on the planet who haven’t seen it yet, CLICK HERE, just refrain from viewing it between midnight and 1:30 P.M. on Sundays in South Carolina because we think it violates our state’s blue laws or something.
Anyway, the key to pulling off this trick is actually having something to put in the box. Which is why we were somewhat surprised to see Nick Lachey, of all people, dressing uncreatively as one of the “Dick In A Box” guys for Halloween. Because according to an interview his ex-wife Jessica Simpson gave last summer, a “Nick In The Box” isn’t exactly the gift that keeps on giving.
“Nick didn’t pack too well if you know what I mean,” Simpson said. “Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.”
Yikes. Jessica couldn’t have possibly owned Nick more thoroughly had she cut the thing off, held it up in front of a bank of TV cameras and said “See what I mean?” At least that way he could’ve upsized. Of course, just like food and water aren’t all that important, size really doesn’t matter, right ladies?
Comments
By Classic Tyler on November 5th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Tyler’s musings on how Nick should handle Jessica’s unflattering observation: “When asked about this, a top mental health doctor said, ‘Nick should probably kill himself. We rarely recommend that, but, seriously, she said she couldn’t feel anything.’ This is also another reason I desperately want to sleep with Jessica Simpson. I’d be following an infant. She’ll think I’m huge, almost no matter what. Whereas if I was about to have sex with Paris Hilton, I would tie a rope around my waist. Have someone on the other end, work out some kind of code. Two pulls on the rope means I’m in danger, one means I need more air, that sort of thing. And when I yell ‘on belay’ he needs to tighten up.”
It just doesn’t get any better than that.