Victoria Beckham’s Breasts Could Kill You

DANGER LURKS JUST UNDER THE SURFACE, PEOPLE

FITSNews – October 10, 2007 – Since our girlfriend Heidi Montag has already demonstrated the heroism needed to get fake breasts, we’ll move on to discussing what to do with ‘em once you’ve got ‘em. Which if you’re Victoria Beckham, apparently consists of standing outside the Louvre in Paris like some alien invader who could drop the whole city with one laser-burst from her gravity-defying nipples.

Seriously, we haven’t seen a woman this dangerous since Ursa landed with Non and General Zod in Superman II. Yup, it’s been nearly thirty years since the world was last confronted by a set of cans that could ultimately destroy it.

Why millions of women get fake breasts that look this ridiculous – and why millions of men risk massive head trauma every year attempting to motorboat them – completely escapes us. Boobs are supposed to be fluffy pillows, people, not rock hard orbs of pure titanium-based death and destruction. Trust us, guys, if you tried to grope Victoria Beckham’s breasts, the last thing you’d feel before she administered the fatal electromagnetic pulse would be cold, hard metal.