Those Ron Paul Crazies Are At It Again October 31, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics, Satire , 8 comments
MASSIVE SPAM WAVE FROM THE LIBERTARIAN? POSSIBLE VOTER ASSIMILATION AHEAD?
FITSNews - October 31, 2007 - It goes without saying that we’re all about lower taxes, less government and more individual liberty here at FITSNews …
Yet for some reason, we just haven’t been able to wrap our brains around the whole Ron Paul Revo-libertarian-ution, although it is true that our founding editor Sic Willie briefly flirted with the notion of voting for the Texas Congressman after discovering that he had a volunteer stripper supporting him. (Editor’s note: Alright, he briefly flirted with the stripper herself, not the notion of voting for anybody).
All kidding aside, though, what’s our problem with Ron Paul? Aside from the fact that we really, REALLY don’t trust people with two first names, we’re quite simply convinced that his supporters are a bunch of stark, raving lunatics. And we’re not sure Dr. Paul’s elevator goes all the way to the top, either.
Anyway, for a candidate espousing such hardcore libertarian views, we thought it was rather odd that a massive Ron Paul spam wave went out shortly after the last Republican presidential debate, sending millions of unsolicited e-mails through what Wired magazine called a “world-wide network of hijacked computers” utilizing “common methods to defeat spam filters.” (more…)
Pathetic
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , add a comment
SIC WILLIE’S COSTUME, TRICK-OR-TREAT METHODOLOGY LEAVE SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED
FITSNews - October 31, 2007 - The fact that Sic Willie is thirty-three years old and still went “Trick-or-Treating” tonight is pathetic. The fact that his “costume” consisted solely of a 2001 Peyton Manning “Road White” Indianapolis Colts jersey (pictured above) is even more pathetic. The fact that he covered his face in soot, hunched over to look shorter and used a pillowcase to collect his candy? That’s just a lawsuit waiting to happen, people …
Speaking of lawsuits, we keep telling Sic that since his recent counterclaim was settled, he can afford to buy all the candy he wants. But there’s just something about getting a free pillowcase full of Twix, Snickers, Dum-Dums, Tootsie Pops, Kit-Kats, Airheads, Reese’s Cups and (crispity-cruchity) Butterfingers that his frugal sweet tooth can’t pass up. Of course we’ve also told him that when people have actually dressed up as Will Folks for Halloween before, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going as “somebody else.”
Believe it or not, Sic actually interviewed the future Super Bowl XLI MVP one October afternoon back in 1997, when Manning was in his senior year at the University of Tennessee. Also true is that later that same evening, he was struck by a car while riding his bicycle, which much to the future regret of many in the S.C. General Assembly, did not kill him.
The Waste Brigade
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 5 comments
WHEN BIG GOVERNMENT BACKERS ATTACK
FITSNews - October 31, 2007 - As welcomes go, it certainly wasn’t the politest we’ve seen. But then again, yesterday’s showdown over waste and mismanagement at the $1.8 billion State Budget & Control Board (B&CB) was bound to be contentious. That’s generally what happens when an intelligent individual who cares about protecting taxpayers presents findings to a group comprised mostly of thick-skulled Democrats whose very existence depends on perpetuating their exploitation.
In fact, Charleston businessman Chad Walldorf hadn’t even finished introducing the members of his GEAR report committee before the legislative panel investigating its cost-saving recommendations began attacking the credibility of the report.
Not at all surprisingly, that trail was blazed by State Sen. Hugh Leatherman, the leading sponsor and preeminent defender of Columbia’s wasteful status quo, who interrupted Walldorf during his introductions to point out that the committee’s recommendations were not unanimous.
Of course, what Leatherman failed to mention was that the chief detractor of the report, former B&CB Executive Director Rick Kelly, was appointed to the committee by Leatherman himself - and attended just one of its meetings. The other committee member who objected to its findings, former B&CB Chief of Staff Stephen Osborne, was appointed to the committee by Leatherman’s “partner in Socialism,” House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper. (more…)
S.C. Attorney General Hatin’ On Gamecocks
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Sports , 4 comments
HENRY McMASTER BETTER CHECK HIMSELF BEFORE HE WRECKS HIMSELF
FITSNews - October 31, 2007 - We know it’s been a bad two weeks for Gamecock football, but according to S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, it’s been damn apocalyptic. Why else would McMaster, a two-time USC grad, show up in the Greenville Times-Examiner under the banner headline “End of Gamecocks in Sight.”
Needless to say, this story was leaked to us by a die-hard Clemson fan, albeit anonymously.
Of course it shouldn’t be too hard for us to track them down considering there are only a handful of Clemson fans who can read. In case you were wondering, our money is on McMaster spokesman (and Clemson grad) Mark Plowden. Not funny, dude. Not funny …
Who’s Huma? October 30, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 5 comments
CAN WE GET AN “AYE CABANA BOY,” PEOPLE?
FITSNews - October 30, 2007 - In case you’ve never heard of Huma Abedin before (and odds are if you live in South Carolina, you haven’t), she’s New York Senator Hillary Clinton’s right-hand woman. She’s also some kind of a foreigner, which may scare some people, but not us. And apparently not Sic Willie, who for like the twentieth time this week is smitten beyond all capability for rational thought.
Seriously, all day it’s been “Huma this,” “Huma that,” even “Huma with a wiffleball bat.” But we’re not going there.
So who is she? Well according to some girl who’s lez-crushing on her in the new Vogue magazine, she’s a traffic-stopping goddess:
“I think she has special powers,” said public-radio broadcaster Katia Dunn, who recently crossed paths with Ms. Abedin and Mrs. Clinton at a café on Capitol Hill. Ms. Dunn explained that she had heard about the “cult of Huma,” but had never met her. “All of a sudden, I turn around and there was this woman I now know to be Huma. And it wasn’t just that she was gorgeous—she did just sort of have this presence. She stopped me in my tracks for a second. It’s not like she’s incredibly coiffed, she just looked very composed and confident in her natural beauty. She momentarily arrested our progress. What’s amazing is that she didn’t even yell at us or anything—she didn’t have to.”
In addition to not yelling and having special powers, Huma is also a sucker for Oscar de la Renta gowns and Marc Jacobs bags. Check and check, baby!
How The Little Digger Rolls
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 6 comments
SENATOR LEATHERMAN HAS A PIMP NEW RIDE, BUT DID THE BABY BOOSTER COST EXTRA?
FITSNews - October 30, 2007 - If you’re new to South Carolina politics, then this post probably won’t make a whole lot of sense to you. You’d have no way of knowing, for example, that we basically have a curmudgeony Lilliputian who runs state government, or that he’s basically a Communist. You probably also wouldn’t get any “short jokes” we may or may not be getting ready to make about Sen. Hugh Leatherman and his brand new Mercedes Benz S 550.
For example, did the car’s $104,175.00 MSRP (Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price) include this baby booster, or did the Senator have to pay extra for it?
Honestly, we went to the S.C. State House today on official business (covering the Joint Legislative Committee on Government Accountability and Oversight’s hearing on the Government Efficiency and Accountability Review Committee report -whew!), but since that sh*t was like watching paint dry, we proudly present these snapshots of the Little Digger’s new ride. Journalism, ta da!
UPDATE - FITSNews will have a full report on the mouthful of a meeting we attended today (including excerpts from an exclusive interview with Senate President Glenn McConnell) coming soon …
Paris Is An Inventor
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture , 1 comment so far
A NOBEL PRIZE IS DEFINITELY ON THE HORIZON
FITSNews - October 30, 2007 - We’re not 100% sure, but it certainly appears that Paris Hilton has mastered the technology associated with attaching a dildo to a Vodka bottle, thus satisfying her two most basic needs in one handy dandy carry-along. You can view the full picture here, assuming of course you’re one of those gullible people who doesn’t believe that STD’s can be contracted through the Internet.
We’re not gullible, nor are we presumptuous enough to know where the “portable alcoholic dildo” ranks in the pantheon of human discovery. Our guess is it would be somewhere between the polio vaccine and silent velcro. Which would mean as inventors go, Paris is somewhere between Jonas Salk and that kid in the movie Garden State who invented silent velcro.
Nobel prize-worthy? You better believe it, people.
