Hello, Big Apple September 30, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 3 comments
SIC WILLIE DROPS FRESH POLITICAL BEATS ON THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS
FITSNews - September 30, 2007 - Sure, the New York Mets were eliminated from the baseball playoffs today (with star pitcher Tom Glavine helping ruin Sic Willie’s all-but-assured fantasy championship) but the real news coming out of the Big Apple on this particular Sunday was a provocative piece from NY Daily News columnist Celeste Katz on the potential pitfalls of presidential flip-flopping. Why so provocative, you may ask? Well, because our very own Sic Willie was featured in the article, of course …
“A candidate has to make sure their change of heart connects with voters on a personal level, much like [Ronald] Reagan did when he successfully sold his conversion to social conservatism back in the early 1980s,” said South Carolina consultant Will Folks, who has worked for Giuliani’s ex-state chairman, Thomas Ravenel.
There’s also a sincerity factor to consider - especially when it seems like every candidate who visits Iowa suddenly thinks ethanol, a fuel made from corn, is the best thing since the Beatles.
“There’s an old Southern Baptist expression that nobody’s more beloved in the church than a new believer,” said Folks. “But if people suspect that somebody’s only coming to church to make time with a pretty girl - or in this case, make time with the voters - there’s going to be a backlash.”
Uhh … yeah, like going to church for the sole purpose of scoping out the “visual relief” is something Sic Willie has never done before. Whatever. In fact, it’s amazing he doesn’t fall right through the floor into an eternal inferno the moment he steps through the door. Geez, this guy is unbelievable.
Obama Girl Is Still Hot …
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… AND STILL CRUSHING ON SIC WILLIE
FITSNews - September 30, 2007 - We’ve told campaign ‘08 sensation Obama Girl several times now that our founding editor Sic Willie is dating someone else, but for some reason she keeps sending him excrutiatingly hot pictures of herself anyway. Like the one above from the set of her brand new video “I Like A Boy,” a song we can only assume was written with Wilbur’s silky sheen love handles in mind.
Anyway, at this point it’s become pretty clear that Obama Girl’s crush on the political Barack Star is morphing into an obession with our own former rock star.
She even mixed it up recently with a couple of Mitt Romney supporters, probably just to impress him. It must be love, people!
Heartbreak City
Posted by fitsnews in : Sports , 3 comments
FANTASY FARTKNOCKERS SUFFER GREATEST ONE-DAY COLLAPSE IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS
FITSNews - September 30, 2007 - Forget Greg Norman at the 1996 Masters. Or the “Boston Massacre” that befell the Red Sox during the 1978 baseball season. Toss out the Detroit Red Wings’ historic collapse in the 1942 Stanley Cup finals, along with the Houston Oilers’ unprecedented playoff meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1992. Hell, forget Tin Cup, too.
Sports has a new all-time choke artist - and his name is Sic Willie.
With the coveted 2007 Great Santini Fantasy Baseball Championship all but in his grasp, Sic Willie’s FITS Fartknockers suffered a biblical fall from grace this afternoon that enabled the Charleston, S.C.-based “Crooners” to emerge with a wafer-thin lead in the critical WHIP (walks and hits per innings pitched) category. That miniscule margin resulted in a 4-4 tie in the Santini finals, with the tiebreaker (and the cup) going to the Crooners by virtue of their first-place regular season finish.
At the start of today’s action, the Fartknockers enjoyed a seemingly insurmountable 6-2 lead in the series, but things began to unravel almost immediately on an otherwise picture perfect Sunday afternoon on the last day of September. FITS’ final starter of the year, New York Mets’ ace Tom Glavine, was rocked for seven runs in only a third of an inning - resulting in an astronomical 189.00 ERA. Glavine’s performance cost FITS its ERA lead, but amazingly the Fartknockers still clung to 5-3 series lead thanks to a narrow advantage in the WHIP category, meaning all they had to do to claim their first-ever championship was simply avoid another pitching disaster. (more…)
Gamecocks Beat Mississippi State September 29, 2007
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CLEMSON WRECKED BY GEORGIA TECH
FITSNews - September 29, 2007 - Sixteenth-ranked South Carolina overcame some early jitters to defeat a vastly-improved Mississippi State team in Columbia today, reeling off twenty-one unanswered points to claim a 38-21 victory and improve to 4-1 (2-1 SEC) on the season. Meanwhile, thirteenth-ranked Clemson’s high-powered offense was held to a field goal in the Tigers first loss of the season, a 13-3 defeat at the hands of Georgia Tech in Atlanta.
The Gamecocks were more schizophrenic than one of Sic Willie’s ex-girlfriends this afternoon, looking alternately amazing and then downright pathetic on both sides of the football. Seriously, on one series South Carolina’s “D” would be absolutely impenetrable, and on the very next series they’d look like you could sail the Seventh Fleet through them.
Same thing on offense - one series they’d look like Peyton and the Colts, and then the very next time out they’d look like a damn powder puff squad.
South Carolina better get it together as they square off Thursday night in Columbia against fellow Top 15 squad and SEC East rival Kentucky … on national TV. Clemson faces Virginia Tech next week in Death Valley.
Former Los Angeles Mayor Endorses Rudy … Sort Of September 28, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 1 comment so far
“PRO-GIULIANI” COMMENTS SOUND MORE LIKE A CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL FOR HIZZONER’S OPPONENTS
FITSNews - September 28, 2007 - We actually like Rudy Giuliani a lot here at FITSNews, but damn if Hizzoner’s people don’t need to do a better job prepping the politicians who endorse him. Kind of like former Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan, who “endorsed” Giuliani today and then proceeded to say he was “too liberal” to win the California Republican primary. From the AP article:
Riordan said he believed Giuliani was “too liberal” to appeal to the state’s right-wing voters but would make a good president based on his experience as the mayor of New York City. “On the primary, you get this solid, super right-wing group of people who are going to have litmus tests on everything from gun control to abortion to other things. He’s going to be hurt there,” Riordan said. In the general election, he said, “the liberal vote in California is going to tear him apart. So he’s going to have to be very, very careful, have to show himself as a leader and not be too specific on the issues.”
Our guess is one of Rudy’s GOP opponents is paying this idiot because they could have given him a million bucks and not gotten a better return on their investment. It’s like somebody mistakenly handed him the Mitt Romney talking points, which basically consist of a single white piece of paper with the words “Rudy: Too Liberal” scrawled on it using a bright red Crayola marker. Seriously, he might as well have followed this endorsement with a swift kick to Rudy’s balls, and then maybe groped Rudy’s wife while Hizzoner was doubled over on the ground in agony. After that he could have put on a Dodgers baseball cap and talked about what a bunch of fags play for the New York Yankees, and how anybody who roots for the Yankees is a damn queer lover.
Heidi Montag Says Fake Breasts Worth Dying For
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture , 6 comments
PAY ATTENTION, TEENAGE GIRLS
FITSNews - September 28, 2007 - It’s rare for someone’s courage, humility and sacrifice to actually move us to tears, but reading Heidi Montag’s recent interview with US magazine, we couldn’t keep our emotions bottled up any longer:
Heidi on having breast surgery:
“I’ve always been very insecure about my body. My whole life, I looked at my chest and was like, OK, they’re going to grow. This is my year! And it never happened. I was less than an A-cup. I wore pushup bras, which cut into my skin. If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her!”Heidi on having rhinoplasty and breast surgery:
People would say, “You have such a big nose!” And they’d make fun of me for being so flat, and say mean boy things, like, “If you nailed two nails in a board, they would be bigger than you are.” I was tormented. And when I was older, I’d want to be intimate, but I’d feel insecure. My boyfriends always had bigger chests than I did!”Heidi on having breast surgery:
“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”
Wow. This chick is like Helen Keller, Anne Frank, Mother Theresa and Nellie Bly all rolled into one. Maybe even the Virgin Mary, too (editor’s note: sorry, Catholics). Seriously, if Congress doesn’t immediately create a new “nation’s highest honor” for this kind of heroism, we’re going to organize a protest march on Washington that’ll make Martin Luther King’s little get-together at the Lincoln Memorial look like a poorly-attended family picnic. Imagine it! Teenage girls all around the world are joining hands right now and singing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank Heidi Montag, we are free at last!”
Republicans Hate Black People
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 3 comments
AND PROBABLY HISPANICS, TOO
FITSNews - September 28, 2007 - In all fairness to flip-flopper extraordinaire Mitt Romney, we should point out that the three candidates currently polling above him in the Republican presidential primary (Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani and John McCain) also skipped out on a GOP debate focused on minority issues up in Maryland yesterday.
We’re just using Romney’s picture because his hair is so cotton-pickin’ perfect. We promise. And because the irrepressibly hot girl in the background looks a helluva lot like one of Sic Willie’s ex-girlfriends.
And for the record, we don’t really think that Republicans hate black people. Especially not in South Carolina, where tens of thousands of African-American schoolchildren are annually condemned to the very worst public schools America has to offer.
After all, people, hatred implies that you actually give a damn in the first place. Which South Carolina Republicans clearly don’t.
