Dear God Make It Stop

BRITNEY LEAVING HER PANTS AT HOME IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN YOU THINK

FITSNews – August 29, 2007 – When we were little girls, there was a song about not sticking your arm “out too far” because it “might go home in another car.” That song scared the ever-living sh*t out of us, but not half as bad as Britney Spears‘ rear end is frightening us right now. We’ve run upstairs and hid under our bed like fifty times, but dammit if everytime we creep back downstairs and take a peek from around the corner this abomination isn’t somehow still staring us in the face.

Seriously, trying to close out an Internet window in a state of panicked, heart-pounding terror with your eyes closed isn’t easy. Hell, we’re just pressing keys and praying at this point. Which is why we’ve probably purchased 900 tickets to a damn WNBA game, signed up for Dennis Kucinich’s e-mail list or booked an Expedia trip to Mogadishu for all we know.

If Britney leaves the house without pants one more time, there’s a good chance we could end up on some CIA jihadist watch list. Then we’d probably get carted off to the Pentagon where Dr. Strangelove would ask us why we were typing secret missile codes in Abu Boobani’s private terrorist chatroom. At that point, our guess is the truth would probably NOT set us free.

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