Leave Mitt Romney Alone, Police Say

TWO MEN ARRESTED IN ENGLAND ON DOLPHIN HARASSMENT CHARGES

FITSNews – June 21, 2007 – We may have to start laying off former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt “Flipper” Romney here at FITSNews in the wake of two arrests made yesterday along the Kent Coast of England. The crime? Dolphin harassment. According to reports, two men in their twenties were arrested for being cruel to “Dave the Dolphin,” who is apparently something of a local celebrity along the Kent Coast.

“Dolphins are well-loved and friendly towards humans. They are protected by law and should be treated with respect,” inspector Gavin Roy said of the arrests.

Great. Now there’s going to be an international crackdown on dolphin harassment. Seriously, the only way this week could get any sh*ttier would be if we found out we were pregnant. And Sic Willie was our babies’ daddy. And all our babies were on crack – for which they would almost certainly be indicted two years later. Worst week ever? Yes, friends. This is the worst week ever. Our current plan for the duration of the week consists of weeping uncontrollably and gnashing our teeth while we await the coming plagues of frogs, locusts, gnats, boils, the South Carolina state budget, flies, hail, darkness, the death of all our livestock and the Congaree River turning to blood. We may also write a few Hallmark cards and volunteer at the suicide prevention hotline.

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