The Most Important Election … Ever

KERSHAW DISTRICT SIX RACE MIRRORS LINCOLN-DOUGLAS IN ITS EPIC GRANDEUR, INTENSITY

FITSNews - April 19, 2007 - Aside from the American Presidency and the Blue Ribbon Pig Competition at the South Carolina State Fair, no election is more vital to sustaining democracy in an uncivilized world than the District Six seat on Kershaw County Council. Which is precisely why would-be statesmen like Jerry Horton and Gary Elliot are continuing to engage in a protracted, philosophical discourse of epic intellectual proportions for the right to assume this sacred mantle. According to La Socialista:

Jerry Horton filed a protest Wednesday in the race for Kershaw County Council District 6, citing problems with provisional ballots and eligible voters being declared ineligible. Democrat Gary Elliott won a special election April 10, with 612 votes to Republican Horton’s 587, according to certified results released Friday. April’s special election was ordered after both candidates protested results from Nov. 7 balloting. A Monday hearing is set with the Kershaw County Election Commission to consider Horton’s protest.

You know if either Jerry or Gary is able to spell the word “provisional,” you can color us completely amazed. Because they’re from Kershaw. Which is like hailing from the Paleozoic Era. In fact we’re not even sure they’ve discovered fire there yet. Seriously, we could put our stuffed animals in a circle around our bed, have them cast their ballots for Snuggleville County Council and the outcome would be like nine twenty katrillion times more important than this race. In the meantime, we’re holding out hope that somewhere in all of this there’s a four-hundred pound woman living in a trailer park who’s in love with both men. Because that would be Springeriffic.