EVIL BOND HENCHMAN'S SPAWN GUARDING JOLIE'S GROWING BROOD FITSNews - March 15, 2007 - Days after it was revealed that an elaborate kidnapping plot against her was foiled at the last second, actress/activist Angelina Jolie is employing an evil Asian henchman to provide protection for the United Nations
Read story »Archive for March, 2007
Rudy’s Trailing In The Polls … To Bloomberg?
UHHHH ... WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT FRONTRUNNER MOJO??? FITSNews - March 14, 2007 - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is in danger of pulling an "Al Gore" (i.e. losing his backyard) if these poll numbers are to be believed. That's right, according to the Quinnipiac University poll, New Yorkers
Read story »“Le Troupe Serge” Tiring Of Constant Criticism
INTERPRETIVE DANCE OUTFIT DOESN'T GET WHY PEOPLE HATE IT SO MUCH FITSNews - March 14, 2007 - The criticism just keeps on coming for Le Troupe Serge, a Paris-based interpretive dance outfit comprised of twenty muscle-bound, decidedly homo heterosexual male dancers under the direction of Russian-born
Read story »Sucks For OJ
SIMPSON WON'T GET A DIME FROM "IF I DID IT" BOOK FITSNews - March 14, 2007 - A judge in Los Angeles Superior Court has ruled that former killer football star O.J. Simpson will not receive any proceeds from the sale of his aborted book-movie deal, "If I Did it." From wire reports: The ruling comes four
Read story »Ben Franklin Has Some Serious Monument Envy
AS FOUNDING FATHERS GO, THE PRINTER-INVENTOR'S STATUE COULD USE SOME MEMORIAL VIAGRA FITSNews - March 14, 2007 - Abraham Lincoln has a memorial. So does Thomas Jefferson. George Washington has a big swinging 500-foot phallus right out in the middle of the National Mall ... in the town that bears his
Read story »FITSNews Exclusive: Competitive Grants Scandal Brewing at S.C. State House
POWERFUL SENATOR ALLEGEDLY MISAPPROPRIATING FUNDS TO PAD POWER, INFLUENCE VOTES FITSNews - March 13, 2007 - S.C. Senate Finance Chairman Hugh Leatherman - a member of the State Budget and Control Board and one of the most powerful men in all of South Carolina government - is improperly disbursing
Read story »Up On The Hill
SERIOUSLY, IF WE TAKE ANY MORE TOURIST POSTCARD PICTURES, WE ARE LITERALLY GOING TO DRIVE OURSELVES CRAZY FITSNews - March 13, 2007 - Blah blah White House. Blah Blah Capitol. Seriously, it's like we Google image-searched these things. Or hired Beverly D'Angelo for the week. But no, these lovely pics
Read story »McCain: Still A Prisoner Of War?
UNFLINCHING SUPPORT FOR WAR IN IRAQ EMERGING AS McCAIN'S ANCHOR FITSNews - March 12, 2007 - The War in Iraq cannot cost George W. Bush the White House anymore, but it could easily deny it to former GOP presidential frontrunner John McCain. In fact, backlash against the war is the main reason there's
Read story »Meet Sic Willie, Representative From Maine
IMPERSONATION CAUSING MASS CONFUSION IN NATION'S CAPITOL FITSNews - March 12, 2007 - Sic Willie is not the First District Representative from the great state of Maine. Some guy named Thomas H. Allen currently holds that distinction. Just don't tell that to the bevy of babes who were assembled at the
Read story »White People Want To Die More Than Black People
IT'S IN THE WASHINGTON POST SO IT HAS TO BE TRUE FITSNews - March 12, 2007 - According to an article in this morning's Washington Post, white people are less likely to seek out aggressive medical care toward the end of their lives than black people. From the story: The largest study to examine the
Read story »The White House By Twilight …
... ON A COLD SPRING NIGHT FITSNews - March 12, 2007 - We snapped this shot of the north face of the White House from between the wrought-iron bars on Pennsylvania Avenue last night. You see, in addition to being hard-hitting investigative journalists, funny bone-tickling satirists, and the sole purveyors
Read story »FITSNews Exclusive: South Carolina-Georgia Ink Deal For Jasper Port
BI-STATE PORT AUTHORITY WILL DEVELOP FACILITY ON SAVANNAH RIVER ACCORDING TO AGREEMENT OBTAINED EXCLUSIVELY BY FITSNEWS FITSNews – March 11, 2007 – Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue and S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford have concluded an agreement between their two states to jointly develop the last remaining
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