Hostage Hypocrisy March 28, 2007
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FILIPINO HIJACKERS TAKING THE WHOLE ‘FOR THE CHILDREN’ THING A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR
FITSNews - March 28, 2007 - A Filipino day care owner hijacked a bus full of children in Manila yesterday in an effort to force his government to provide better education and health care.
“I am so sorry I took these children in a violent action to call the attention of the Filipino people to open their minds to the political reality,” the hostage-taker said in a very poorly constructed sentence.
Yeah. To help these children this guy’s idea was to threaten their lives with machine guns and hand grenades. Talk about a protest that’s fraught with some circular logic. That would be like Greenpeace threatening to dump a boatload of oil in the ocean, you know, to protect the seagulls. Or kicking someone in the balls and spitting in their face in an effort to show them how much you love them.
Egg-Tooth Funds Egg-Tooth Festival In Anderson March 27, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Satire , 2 comments
COMPETITIVE GRANT USED TO CONSTRUCT GIANT EGG … WHICH HOUSE WAYS & MEANS CHAIRMAN THEN BUSTS OUT OF
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - Government in South Carolina is not terribly complicated. How could it be? We’re not that smart. Basically, our leaders get re-elected by secretively funding a bunch of boat ramps and cheezy ass local festivals in their districts. Then they convince a largely illiterate populace that “dat ‘dere boat ramp be good fir d’econamee.” Then they honor each other by naming, well, a bunch of boat ramps and cheezy ass local festivals after themselves. They even name stuff after their pappies sometimes.
Anyway, one of the kingpins of this goat show is House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper, whose dental evolution actually pre-dates the Big Bang. In fact, he technically hasn’t even been born yet because if you look at him closely, you’ll see his Egg-Tooth is still in place. Which is why everybody calls him “Egg-Tooth.” Or “Chairman Egg-Tooth,” out of respect for his position.
Speaking of looking at stuff closely, though, we searched long and hard to find a picture (above) of the latest boondoggle approved by our beloved Chairman “Egg-Tooth” out of his secret slush fund of taxpayer dollars. Which … drum roll … means it’s now your turn to look closely and tell us if you can see the Chairman (and his trademark tooth) somewhere amid the singing, dancing and Egg-worshipping of the inaugural Anderson County Egg-Tooth Festival. (Hint - look at the egg).
The Associated Press Needs To Get Its Priorities Straight
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture , 2 comments
SIC WILLIE’S BLOG WARS GET “COVERAGE” BUT PARIS HILTON’S GI-NORMOUS NEW RACK DOESN’T?
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - Okay, okay … so we know the Associated Press isn’t covering Paris Hilton anymore (editor’s note - bullsh*t!), but seriously. There is something like majorly wrong with the world when Sic Willie’s blogland violence warrants an AP story yet the gi-normous new breasts Paris Hilton is strutting around with somehow don’t.
Media experts including the dental receptionist who just re-did her lipstick for like the eighth time in the last five minutes agree with us that this is total foobar.
Honestly, Sic Willie could be fleeing a flaming zoo while cradling in his tan, muscular arms the last living pair of baby Pandas left in the whole world and no one would care. Paris Hilton’s bodacious new “Ta’s,” on the other hand …
Counting To Two
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 1 comment so far
HIZZONER NEEDS A BILL OF RIGHTS REFRESHER
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - So Hizzoner Rudy Giuliani was apparently on Hannaty and Colmbs (yeah, we know those names are misspelled) last Friday and told one of the program’s hosts: “I support the First Amendment right to carry and bear arms.”
Which is awesome. Except that’s the Second Amendment, Mr. Mayor. Seriously, somebody’s been spending a little too much time in South Carolina.
Maybe hiring this guy would help. Wait a minute, he just did.
Bloggers Rule!
Posted by fitsnews in : The Press , 1 comment so far
BOW TO OUR SUPERIOR BUDDHA NATURE, PEOPLE
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - We wrote a long time ago how MSM like the Wall Street Journal view blogs (i.e. “written by fools and read by idiots”) and more recently about how we view ourselves. And while we couldn’t help but notice that today’s banner headline in South Carolina’s largest newspaper is basically a continuation of the scandal we broke two weeks ago, what really caught our eye in this morning’s papyrus-based media was an excellent column by former blogger and current Barack Obama operative Laurin Manning. To wit:
Throughout my years as a political blogger, some folks who met me seemed surprised to learn that I wasn’t a socially-challenged, pajama-clad kid who lived in her parents’ basement with a laptop and a couple of cats.
We, on the other hand, actually are socially-challenged, pajama-clad kids who live in our parents’ basement with five laptops and multiple cats. In fact, our cats are named McCavity, Peaches, Zevon, Lucius, Sniggity, Jerome, Princess, Albemarle, F’Shizzle and Scrumptious. And for the record, Scrumptious got knocked up again this month. The little slut.
Snoop Dogg Refused UK Entry
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GANGSTA RAPPA SURPRISINGLY CHILL ABOUT GETTING DISSED
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - Maybe Snoop Doggy Dogg really has turned over a new leaf. Sure, he’ll always be the “Capital S-N-Fresh-N-Double-O-P, D-O-Double G-Y- D-O-Doubly G, Ya See,” but his reaction to British officials denying him entry to the United Kingdom for a peace concert was downright tame. From reports:
“I was shocked when I heard about the decision,” Snoop told MTV News International on Sunday — before the final decision came down late on Monday. “I couldn’t believe it could happen at such short notice. They gave me my work permit weeks ago so we thought it was OK. What can I do? All I can do now is ask politely and see if the U.K. home office will change its decision.”
Hold on … all he can do is “ask politely?” Something is definitely wrong here. The old Snoop Dogg would have either a) blasted his way up in dat hood w/ AK-47’s blazing, or, b) morphed into a doberman pinscher like he did in the old Dogg Pound videos (editor’s note - DA bomb) and snuck in. Fa shizzle our nizzles. (more…)
Put Potter In Charge
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Satire , 2 comments
MEET JOHN POTTER HAZZARD VI, PEOPLE
FITSNews - March 27, 2007 - John Potter Hazzard V, a powerful advisor to S.C. Senate President Glenn McConnell, says his boss will amend any education bill that comes before his committee this year so as to put the Hazzard’s toddler son in charge of state government.
And while John Potter Hazzard VI (cutie, pictured above) may not be able to tie his own shoes yet, legislators are already expressing confidence that he could get more accomplished than current Gov. Mark Sanford.
“There is a strong willingness in the body to work with Potter,” said Sen. Majority Leader Harvey Peeler. “And how could there not be when you look at that cute little face? Awwww, come here little pooky poo … Uncle Harvey’s got a lollipop for you. Guesswhomybaby, guesswhomybaby. Awwww. Look, Potter could get DOT reform, government restructuring, income tax cuts and school choice, he could get all of it done. It’s time we Put Potter In Charge.”
