John Edwards Campaign Is Toast

“LET’S RAISE TAXES TO PROVIDE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE” NOT ON WINNING STRATEGIES LIST

FITSNews - February 6, 2007 - Former U.S. Senator John Edwards, who has annoyed us with his Two Americas hypocrisy, his environmentally-insensitive cluttering of our windshield and his persistent arm-flapping, has probably cooked his own presidential goose by proposing a tax increase to pay for universal health care.

Apparently, Edwards did not get the “Top 10 Things NOT To Do If You Want To Be Elected President” memo. Because if he had, he would know that “Propose Tax Increase To Pay For Universal Health Care” was No. 3, right behind “Admit Pedophilia” and “Jump Like Idiot On Oprah’s Coach” and just ahead of “Make Sex Tape With Paris Hilton” and “Patronize Barack Obama.”

Incidentally, this is exactly like Mitt Romney’s health care plan for Massachusetts, except to his credit Edwards is at least being honest about the tax increase part.

Romney’s universal health care plan involved a two-step process. Step one - tell everybody it costs half as much as it actually does. Step two - leave office.

Anyway, how do we know Edwards’ goose is cooked?

Well, Sic Willie’s cousin Andrew Folks told us so this morning around 8:45 a.m. And then half an hour later(s), Washington Post political blogger Chris Cillizza posted an article that predicted the same thing.

Then, around 11:30 a.m., a carrier pigeon flew into the FITSNews home office with a miniature Cryptex around its neck containing a message we decoded to read “John Edwards Campaign Is Toast.”

Then the pigeon made that “B-R-R-R-R-R-R, B-R-R-R-R-R-R” sound. And dropped a bomb on Sic Willie’s car.

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