Now Everybody’s Making Fun Of Anderson County, SC
POP CULTURE EXPERTS AGREE TREND COULD ECLIPSE MAKING FUN OF THE GAFFNEY “ASS PEACH”
FITSNews – January 13, 2007 - Just when we thought we had the market cornered when it came to making fun of Anderson County, S.C., along comes the third-biggest newspaper in the state and its Blogger-in-Chief, editorial page writer Paul Hyde, who pretty much bent Anderson over and made it call him “Daddy” in this magnificent article yesterday.
Seriously, making fun of Anderson could soon turn into the biggest craze since the hula-hoop. Or the Rubik’s Cube. Or Menudo.
It’s easily the funnest thing to make fun of here in South Carolina since they unveiled the Gaffney “Ass Peach”. Well, unless your name is Harvey Peeler and you happen to be in super secret special love with the bulbous peachoid.
Anyway, it seems the Bible-thumping Cro Magnons in Anderson have been visited by the Black Helicopters again, and are now back to enforcing “blue laws,” or government edicts that force businesses to shut down on Sundays.
Because Sunday is the Christian Sabbath. And in Anderson there’s no such thing as separation of church and state. And because in Anderson, it’s 1889.
Don’t take our word for it, though. Just ask Anderson County Councilman Ron Wilson, who like the rest of his County has yet to ferment from the primordial ooze.
“Only the more industrialized counties in South Carolina are beginning to strike (Blue Laws) down,†Wilson said.
Of course the scariest thing about that quote is it’s almost EXACTLY what we would have written to poke fun at these overall-wearing, trailer park Bubbas. We probably would have called our fictitious County Councilman “Ron Wilson,” too, because it just makes sense.
But no, it’s all true.
Anyway, we’ve conceptualized a brilliant lobbying and public relations campaign that we think could help move Anderson into the … well, let’s start with the 20th Century.
Basically, our plan involves buying a helicopter, painting it black and tooling around the skies over Anderson County with a blaring loudspeaker that says “JESUS HATES BLUE LAWS” over and over again while dropping leaflets that threaten to cut off the County’s supply of tin foil, which Andersonians put in their hats to protect them from the government’s manipulative mind control waves. Meanwhile on the ground, bodybuilders dressed up as government agents (with earpieces and cool looking NSA badges) would bust up into the local Wal-Mart and start siezing tin foil at gunpoint, just to f**k with them some more.
Come to think of it, that’s the kind of plan that could work on any issue. Like “JESUS HATES DAN COOPER” or “JESUS HATES NON-COMPETITION IN THE K-12 EDUCATION MARKETPLACE … AND DAN COOPER.”
Wow. And just think what we could do with a fleet of helicopter Jesuses …
Comments
By G.L. on January 13th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
We don’t care if you don’t like our great county. We do things our own way, and if you don’t like stay on the other side of the county line.
By fitsnews on January 13th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
G.L.,
We’re going to go out on a limb here and assume that’s a first name, not your initials.
Our problem is that you people keep sending a bunch of idiots to the State House that screw up, among other things, South Carolina’s entire state budget.
Y’all keep Dan Cooper on that side of the county line, we’ll stay on this one.
-FITSNews
P.S. – Wait a minute, we just had an epiphany. Dan Cooper’s a simpleton who stands there with a not-so-bright look on his face (and an Egg-Tooth) while Bobby Harrell tells him what is going to be in the budget. And all this time we were upset with Anderson – it’s Charleston we should be making fun of!
By eggtooth on January 16th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Speaking of Newspapers….
Have you ever read the Anderson Insufficient Mail? It has to be the worst “cut and paste” paper in the state. They talk about Local, local, local, but they are consistently several days behind larger papers on some local issues. (by the way, they didn’t endorse your old boss in ‘02)
It took them three days to report on the retarded security guard that shot at a lady for stealing a book from the library. Anderson is a great place to make fun of, mainly because of the liberal leaning 19th century newspaper.
By J.B on January 17th, 2007 at 8:57 am
G.L,
Please do not attempt to speak for the residents af Anderson County. You do not represent my opinion, ot the opinions of the vast majority of the people living here. Most of us wish that morons like you, and Ron Wilson would pack up and move to some ass-backwards place like Mississippi so that the rest of us can move into the present. As for “Blue Laws”, I’ve got some news for you. God does not care if people shop before 1:30pm on Sunday.
By jack ruby on January 18th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Yeah, not all us AC residents are bible thumping cro-magnons.
Some of us are computer thumping cavemen w00t GEICO!!!
Ha,
just to prove I’m not a bible thumper:
Why doesnt’ anyone realize that A) blue laws are unconstitutal? SO, the STATE LAW is what is out of line. Well, that and our ass-backward county council :sigh:
and B) the sabbath is on SATURDAY.???
By Logan Barnes Kinley on June 29th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Hey, blow me
By Logan Barnes Kinley & Kevin Myles Nunley on June 29th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Have you ever even been to anderson? It rocks my face off. Seriously, Who put their dick in your cereal?
- Kevin Myles Nunley
Blow me
-Logan Barnes Kinley
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