LEGISLATORS OFFER UNANIMOUS PRAISE FOR GOVERNOR’S VISION, SKIN TONE
FITSNews – January 11, 2007 - Who says S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford can’t get along with the State Legislature?
The truth is Sanford’s second inaugural address yesterday couldn’t have gotten a better reception among members of the General Assembly, at least in this magical parody world of make believe that we like to call FITSNews. Consider these reactions:
“They say he’s scaling back his agenda because of me?” House Speaker Bobby Harrell asked with mock incredulity. “Well he needs to scale it right back up again because I’m sold. Anything this man wants, he’s getting it. I’ll even let him be the Mayor of Importantville. All he has to do is promise to keep touching my inner child the way he did today.”
“When the governor lifted our spirits out of our shoes with the soaring poetry of Dr. Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have A Dream’ speech, it was then that I knew my fellow Confederate sympathizers and I were mere putty in his capable hands,” said Senate President Pro Tempore Glenn McConnell. “I truly felt goosebumps at every word emanating from his lips. I think everyone did.”
“That speech was the shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snip-snap,” said Rep. Ken Kennedy. “It was straight up Greeleyville, my negro – I mean, my tan man.”
“You know I had never heard the governor mention The World is Flat before,” said House Majority Leader Jimmy Merrill. “But for some reason when he invoked Thomas Freidman, and then tied his book to that amazing Pan Am Clipper analogy, everything just fell into place for me.”
Two hours after Sanford’s speech, sitting in a corner table at Miyo’s restaurant two blocks from the South Carolina State House, Sen. Hugh Leatherman was still so overcome with emotion he could barely talk.
“Bless that man,” Leatherman said, still fighting back sobs. “Bless him.”
House Ways & Means Chairman Dan “Egg Tooth” Cooper, who sits with Leatherman on the State Budget and Control Board, said he could understand how his colleague was moved to tears.
“He moved me,” Cooper said. “And his skin was positively radiant. So natural. So full of life.”
“I literally wanted to have the governor’s babies today,” said Sen. Tommy Moore, Sanford’s Democratic opponent in the 2006 campaign. “Well, if I were a woman, I mean, I would have wanted to have his babies today if I were a woman. He was just that good.”
Senate Majority Leader Harvey Peeler and House Judiciary Chairman Jim Harrison said they were introducing legislation Thursday morning designating the governor as the South Carolina General Assembly’s “favoritest person of all-time – forever.”
Both said they expected the bill to pass their respective chambers immediately and unanimously prior to the Legislature adjourning for the weekend.
Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer responded angrily, however, calling the bill’s printing costs “outrageous” and rebuking the Legislature for its “wasteful spending.”
“This administration has said from day one that frivilous spending of any kind will not be tolerated,” Sawyer said. “If the General Assembly wants to come up with a revenue neutral way of honoring the governor, then we’ll consider it.”
