Salma Hayek & Penelope Cruz Aren’t Lesbians? WTF?
IF WISHING MAKES IT SO, BOOK MAY NOT YET BE CLOSED ON BI-CURIOUSITY
FITSNews – January 10, 2007 - Take it from us, the absolute worst possible thing you could stumble upon when Googling “Salma Hayek And Penelope Cruz Are Lesbian Lovers” – which we do every ten minutes or so, just out of (bi)curiousity – is this article.
In case you are click-phobic, the article is titled “Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek Are NOT Lesbian Lovers.” And that one word is very important, people. Very, VERY important. And not in a good way. Not at all. And even worse, it looks like the tragic news may actually be true.
You know, in addition to this being perhaps the worst news for straight men since Eve and the Apple, it may also be the death knell for of one of the greatest Spanish-language fantasies Sic Willie has ever conjured up, nunca.
Nunca, people.
In the fantasy, Sic Willie plays an attentive Cabana Boy with a special talent for liberally applying tanning oil to internationally famous Latino actresses, all while repeating the Spanish language introduction from Jane’s Addiction’s classic 1990 album Ritual de lo Habitual (i.e. the only Spanish he knows).
“Nosotros tenemos mas influencia con sus hijos que tu tienes …”
Anyway, we haven’t seen Sic Willie this upset since the last time he watched Dumb and Dumber and it got to that part when Harry and Lloyd get into a fight after Lloyd takes a wrong turn on their cross country trip, driving them several hundred miles in the wrong direction. That’s when the really orchestral, five-part vocal harmony from the Crash Test Dummies’ song Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm begins to play, which always makes Sic Willie cry like a little girl.
Thankfully, as our friend Classic Antebellum Beauty likes to point out, what men really want is bi-curiosity, not full-on lesbianism.
Which means there’s still hope.
So what was Sic Willie’s second-greatest Spanish Language fantasy?
Glad you asked, it’s called “Breast Without Borders,” in which he plays a diabolical public relations genius who convinces Hayek and Cruz to star in an anti-immigration reform television commercial that features the two actresses holding up each others’ breasts while rhetorically asking the viewer, “You really wanna build a fence that keeps these out? Really?”
Classy stuff from a classy guy. With a moustache, we should add.
