Believe Everything Suzanne Malveaux Says, Etc.

AND YOU THOUGHT CNN HAD A LIBERAL BIAS …

FITSNews – January 9, 2007 – Couple things.

First of all, when did Suzanne Malveaux get hot? Last time we checked, our favorite Creole Cutie was wearing earth tones in war zones and battling some intense hair humidification. Now she’s breaking the story of George W. Bush (a.k.a. Shrub)’s proposed escalation of the War in Iraq.

Which is sort of a scoop.

Second, and this is important too, can Sic Willie‘s thirty-two year run as “Sexiest Human Ever” survive his new “Chester the Molester” moustache? We caught our first glimpse of our contributing editor’s new scuzzscruff Tuesday evening at – surprise – the Back Porch on Gervais. For the record, we’re going with “hell no.”

SPEAKING OF PRESS SECRETARIES “SPEAKING”

As S.C. State Senator Ray Cleary (now there’s a name that needs a moustache) can probably attest, that’s not a typo you just read.

We are actually speaking of two press secretaries that were spotted speaking to one another, namely Sic Willie and former Jim Hodges’ spokesman Morton Brilliant, who were apparently seen together chillaxing on two of the comfy green felt chairs inside the Five Points Starbucks’ coffee shop Tuesday afternoon.

The only thing needed for a “Press Secretary flush” would have been the addition of current Sanford gumflapper Joel Sawyer, who was probably busy trying to sort out the clusterfuck that is Gov. Mark Sanford’s organizational chart of employees making over $100,000 a year.

JIM REX IS GETTING “BARACK OBAMA PRESS”

We need your help on this one.

We were trying to decide if it was author Pat Conroy who was about to make out with Superintendent of Education-elect Jim Rex in this article or AP writer Seanna Adcox.

Seriously Seanna, kiss him on the lips why don’t you?

Anyway, we can’t all get Water Is Wide-themed statewide AP wires, but one thing we can do, brethren and sisteren, is ponder the prayer of Rex’s new Buddy-in-Chief:

“Here is my prayer for South Carolina. It’s a prayer I’ve had since Daufuskie Island. I wish this whole state could fall in love with the poorest black child and the poorest white child,” Conroy said.

Geez, you sure your name isn’t Pat Nabokov? There are laws against that kind of thing, Pat Conroy.

Of course, if what Conroy meant to say was people actually caring about the educational needs of individual school children as opposed to the funding needs of a bloated, inefficient, ineffective and totally recalcitrant bureaucracy, his prayer should probably have been for school choice instead of whatever that creepiness was he asked for.

LESS GOVERNMENT, MORE POSITIONS?

We can’t even believe we’re blogging on this, but apparently some dude named Eliot Peace has landed a job in S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford’s office. That makes Eliot, whoever the hell he is, not particularly unique these days in the land of deputies of strategery and lots of other brand new and scantily-defined taxpayer-funded jobs.

“The Governor afforded me the honor of working in his policy shop, handling government restructuring (which is a major initiative this year), criminal law issues, and faith-based relations,” Peace says in an e-mail announcing his big news.

Well, it’s good to know that government restructuring is “a major initiative this year,” but our bet is that Eliot’s “handling” of that initiative will have something to do with copy paper and toner. And fetching coffee for Jabba the English.

We’re choosing to look at the bright side here: With each ridiculous new position Sanford comes up with, our state’s unemployment rate goes down like one millionth of a percentage point. Well, unless of course the person already had a job.

Damn, Eliot Peace did have a job.

You know, that was shaping up to be pretty funny.