Another Day, Another Beauty Queen Scandal

RASH OF PARIS HILTON WANNA-BE’S INFILTRATING AMERICA’S BEAUTY PAGEANTS

FITSNews – December 22 – It used to be that our beauty queens sang Whitney Houston songs, giggled about kittens and wished for world peace. Now, after a few years of Paris Hilton, America’s princesses are turning into a bunch of amateur porn stars.

Seriously, where is Emily Post when we need her?

First it was rehab-bound Miss USA Tara Connor slutting it up and nearly losing her crown, now it’s Miss Nevada Katie Rees actually getting stripped … stripped … stripped … sorry, uh … stripped of her title … getting stripped of her title. That was what we were trying to say. Sorry.

Celebrity gossip website TMZ has all the raunchy Miss Nevada pictures here if you are a straight male into that sort of thing.

In addition to exposing an increasingly pervasive moral decay among our young people, our fear is that these scandals are eventually going to start adversely impacting American productivity.

For example, we were supposed to have an important FITSNews staff meeting this afternoon. A really, really important meeting.

In addition to the usual routine of Sic Willie scratching himself repeatedly in inappropriate places while challenging us to incorporate more Harry Caray and Monty Python references into our stories, this was supposed to be the meeting where he finally unveiled his long-awaited get Reese Witherspoon to notice him marketing strategy.

Well, that was all before one of our new, unindoctrinated celebrity gossip staffers burst through the conference room doors screaming “Oh my God! They just fired Miss Nevada! She’s got a bunch of naked lesbian pictures on the Internet!”

Sure enough, Sic Willie got an “urgent phone call” two minutes later and hasn’t been spotted since.

In all seriousness, though, this beauty pageant whorishness is getting out of hand. And while it may seem cool for for what Chris Tucker described in Friday as “three minutes … four minutes tops,” what happens after that when we’re left with the realization that the women our country is supposed to respect and admire the most are the least admirable and least respectable?

“Think classy, you’ll be classy.”

That’s what Crash Davis told Nuke LaLoosh in Bull Durham, right before he threw a shower shoe with foot fungus on it at him.

Sure seems like somebody needs to have that same heart-to-heart with America’s beauty queens right about now.

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